


The Dangling Conversation

by teenagefanclub



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternative Title: Self-Indulgent Drivel, An Attempt At Humour, Fluff, Hogwarts Eighth Year, M/M, Oblivious Harry, Pining Draco, Slow Burn, Snape is still alive purely for the meme, Texting, as usual, copious use of the word fuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:15:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25717141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teenagefanclub/pseuds/teenagefanclub
Summary: Eighth year AU wherein a new muggle device is introduced to the students of Hogwarts: the mobile phone. Chaos swiftly ensues.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Minor Seamus Finnigan/Harry Potter
Comments: 76
Kudos: 215





	1. Chapter 1

**_Hermione Granger_** created a new chat

 ** _Hermione Granger_** added **_Harry Potter_** and **_Ronald Weasley_** to the chat

 **Hermione Granger:** Has Ron figured out how to turn his phone on yet?

 **Harry Potter:** Nope

 **Harry Potter:** He must be the least tech-savvy person to exist in the twentieth century

 **Hermione Granger:** Haven't you taken pity on him?

 **Harry Potter:** Nah watching him struggle is far more entertaining

 **Ronald Weasley:** Fuck you

 **Hermione Granger:** He speaks!

 **Ronald Weasley:** These mobile things are bloody useless

 **Hermione Granger:** I don't know, Ron. Perhaps one day society will progress past the need for proper face-to-face interaction and we will communicate almost entirely through the Internet.

 **Harry Potter:**...

 **Ronald Weasley:**...

 **Ronald Weasley:** Sounds like a load of bollocks to me

 **Harry Potter:** Rt

 **Ronald Weasley:** What the fuck

 **Hermione Granger:** It means retweet, Ron.

 **Ronald Weasley:** Let me reiterate: WHAT THE FUCK

 **Hermione Granger:** Did you ever listen in Muggle Studies?

 **Ronald Weasley:** Would you like the truth or a poorly concealed lie

 **Hermione Granger:** Don't you remember what we were taught about social media?

 **Ronald Weasley:** Yeah you've already lost me there

 **Harry Potter:** Did you guys know that Snape has Twitter lmfao

 **Ronald Weasley:** I give up

 **Ronald Weasley:** I don't know what anything means anymore

 **Hermione Granger:** Wait, what?

 **Harry Potter:** Yeah he only has like 10 followers though

 **Harry Potter:** And he keeps retweeting those emo quotes from Tumblr

 **Harry Potter:** Fuckin loser

 **Hermione Granger:** Aww. If I didn't hate him so much I'd almost feel bad for him.

 **Ronald Weasley:** Wait does this anecdote involve humiliating Snape

 **Harry Potter:** Of course?

 **Ronald Weasley:** In that case please fill me in on everything I've missed

 **Hermione Granger:** Really?

 **Hermione Granger:** Because I've got all my textbooks here, should we need them.

 **Ronald Weasley:** Yeah why not

 **Harry Potter:** Ron mate

 **Harry Potter:** You never learn

 **Hermione Granger:** RIGHT

 **Ron Weasley:** Uh

 **Hermione Granger:** Library in five! We'll start from chapter 3 and work our way through.

 **Ron Weasley:** Aw shit

 **Harry Potter:** Ahahhaha good luck   
  
  


**Hermione Granger:** Update: I've figured out how to change our usernames.

 ** _Hermione Granger_** changed **_Ronald Weasley_** _'s_ contact name to **_Ron Weasley_**

 **Hermione Granger:** That's been bugging me all this time.

 **Ron Weasley:** Thx ;-)

 **Harry Potter:** It's my turn to bring out the What The Fuck

 **Hermione Granger:** I've been teaching him about the use of emoticons.

 **Harry Potter:** Thank you for pointing out the blindingly obvious

 **Harry Potter:** They're creepy as hell get rid of them

 **Ron Weasley:** ;-)

 **Harry Potter:** STOP

 **Ron Weasley:** ;-)

 **Hermione Granger:** ;-)

 **Harry Potter:** I hate u both

 **Ron Weasley:** Wait can I change your usernames too then

 **Hermione Granger:** Well, I'd have to give you admin powers first. And I don't think I'm prepared to do that.

 **Ron Weasley:** :-(

 **Harry Potter:** Just let him if only to stop him from using those smilies

 **Hermione Granger:** Alright. But don't blame me when we descend into anarchy. 

**Ron Weasley:** Your dictatorship is over Hermione

 **Harry Potter:** VIVA LA REVOLUTION

 ** _Ron Weasley_** changed **_Harry Potter_** _'s_ contact name to **_Speccy Git_**

 **Speccy Git:** What an anticlimax

 **Speccy Git:** My primary school nicknames were more offensive than that

 **Ron Weasley:** Oh sod off

 **Ron Weasley:** Just because I lack your creative flair

 **Speccy Git:** I can't tell if ur being sarcastic

 **Ron Weasley:** What do you think

 **Speccy Git:** :-(

 **Ron Weasley:** MY SMILIES

 **Ron Weasley:** I knew you liked them really ;-)

 **Hermione Granger:** I'm surrounded by idiots.  
  
  


 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** created a new chat

 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** added **_Speccy Git,_** **_Hermione Granger,_** **_Draco Malfoy, Dean Thomas_** and **_Ron Weasley_** to the chat

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Oh shit

 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** removed **_Draco Malfoy_** from the chat

 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** added **_Neville Longbottom_** to the chat

 **Seamus Finnigan:** That wasn't my fault I swear

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Their names are next to each other in my contacts

 **Ron Weasley:** Wait can you add him back quick

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Wot Draco

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Why

 **Ron Weasley:** Just do it

 **Ron Weasley:** It won't take a minute

 **Hermione Granger:** Are you going to offer a truce, Ron? That's a sensible idea. I'd thought of that myself.

 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** added **_Draco Malfoy_** to the chat

 **Ron Weasley:** Cunt

 **Hermione Granger:** ...

 **Ron Weasley:** Alright I'm done now you can remove him again

 **Dean Thomas:** Ahahahahha

 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** removed ** _Draco Malfoy_** from the chat

 **Hermione Granger:** How very mature.

 **Ron Weasley:** Worth it tho

 **Hermione Granger:** ...Maybe

 **Dean Thomas:** Wait can u add him back I've got something to say as well

 **Hermione Granger:** Absolutely not.

 **Hermione Granger:** Seamus, don't you dare.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** I would but Hermione is fucking terrifying

 **Dean Thomas:** That's fair

 **Speccy Git:** Hey what'd I miss

 **Seamus Finnigan:** HARRY :D

 **Speccy Git:** How do you know it's me?

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Wot other speccy gits r there

 **Speccy Git:** :-(

 **Speccy Git:** Ron pls change my name back

 **Ron Weasley:** But it suits you so well

 **Ron Weasley:** I can't change it on this chat anyway Seamus is the group admin

 **Speccy Git:** Seamus?

 **Seamus Finnigan:** FINE

 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** changed **_Speccy Git_** _'s_ contact name to **_The Boy Who Lived_**

 **The Boy Who Lived:** Yeah, that's even worse  
  
  


 ** _Pansy Parkinson_** added ** _Draco Malfoy_** and **_Blaise Zabini_** to the chat

 **Pansy Parkinson:** sooo... gameplan for this year u guys

 **Blaise Zabini:** Try not to get sent to Azbakan?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** yh besides that

 **Blaise Zabini:** ... Why are you typing like that

 **Pansy Parkinson:** like wot?

 **Blaise Zabini:** Fucking hell

 **Blaise Zabini:** You'll give me a stroke

 **Pansy Parkinson:** if my lack of punctuation is annoying u i DREAD to think what itll do 2 malfoy

 **Blaise Zabini:** Speaking of

 **Blaise Zabini:** Where is he

 **Pansy Parkinson:** oh hes reading all these messages he'll just wait a couple of hrs before he replies

 **Pansy Parkinson:** hes under the mistaken impression that we're all lying in wait for his response

 **Draco Malfoy:** i hate you both.

 **Blaise Zabini:** You're doing it too what the fuck

 **Draco Malfoy:**???? you what

 **Blaise Zabini:** The whole typing in lowercase thing

 **Blaise Zabini:** Have you not figured out where the capital letter button is on the keyboard 

**Draco Malfoy:** fuck off, it's edgy

 **Blaise Zabini:** You're not remotely edgy

 **Draco Malfoy:** excuse me?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** hes an ex death eater id say thats pr edgy

 **Draco Malfoy:** THANK you

 **Blaise Zabini:** Being a murderer is edgy?

 **Draco Malfoy:** i'm NOT a murderer

 **Pansy Parkinson:** no bc ur a pussy

 ** _Draco Malfoy_** left the chat

 **Pansy Parkinson:** LMAO

 ** _Pansy Parkinson_** added **_Draco Malfoy_** to the chat

 **Blaise Zabini:** Where are you getting all this muggle lingo from

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ....... no comment

 **Draco Malfoy:** as if pansy would deign to associate with muggles.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** yh that

 **Pansy Parkinson:** anyway so i was thinking

 **Pansy Parkinson:** every1 kinda hates us

 **Blaise Zabini:** Correction: everyone hates YOU. I don't do anything wrong.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** u dont do anything full stop u just stand there looking all moody n shit

 **Blaise Zabini:** Exactly I'm the eye candy

 **Draco Malfoy:** excuse you

 **Blaise Zabini:** What? You think YOU'RE the eye candy?

 **Draco Malfoy:** i'm better looking than you.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** lmfao aight ferret face

 ** _Draco Malfoy_** left the chat

 **Blaise Zabini:** Ponce

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i didnt think u had the balls to stand up to him

 **Pansy Parkinson:** im impressed

 **Blaise Zabini:** Someone needs to keep his ego in check

 **Pansy Parkinson:** that may well be impossible

 ** _Pansy Parkinson_** added **_Draco Malfoy_** to the chat

 **Draco Malfoy:** fuck off

 **Pansy Parkinson:** im all youve got darling it would do u good to at least pretend to be a decently civilised human being

 **Blaise Zabini:** *cough*

 **Pansy Parkinson:** wot

 **Pansy Parkinson:** o right

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ****WE'RE all youve got

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ... im going to take ur lack of response as u yielding to my infallible charm

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ANYWAY as i was saying

 **Pansy Parkinson:** everyone hates us

 **Pansy Parkinson:** so i was thinking

 **Pansy Parkinson:** maybe we should try and be a bit more. u know. friendly

 **Blaise Zabini:** ...

 **Draco Malfoy:** you've gone soft.

 **Blaise Zabini:** Agreed.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** dont u guys get a bit sick of it being just the three of us

 **Draco Malfoy:** yes. always.

 **Draco Malfoy:** but you're the ONLY people i can sometimes tolerate.

 **Draco Malfoy:** plus nobody's making an effort to be nice to us.

 **Blaise Zabini:** Granger smiled at me yesterday

 **Draco Malfoy:** WHAT

 **Pansy Parkinson:** WHAT

 **Blaise Zabini:** Well, it was a sort of half-grimace, half-smile

 **Draco Malfoy:** you better not have smiled back.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** draco he never shows any emotion besides mild annoyance of course he didn't

 **Blaise Zabini:** Weasel and Potter dragged her away before I had the chance to return the compliment anyway

 **Pansy Parkinson:** aw they're still scared of us

 **Blaise Zabini:** They've defeated Voldemort like 5 times I doubt they're scared of us

 **Draco Malfoy:** are you actually being NICE about them?

 **Draco Malfoy:** of course they're scared of me. i could have them killed if i wanted.

 **Blaise Zabini:** Sure

 **Pansy Parkinson:** draco's just pissed bc he's already had some messages from the gryffindors to welcome him back <3

 **Draco Malfoy:** shut the fuck up

 **Blaise Zabini:** Like what

 **Pansy Parkinson:** cunt

 **Blaise Zabini:** I beg your pardon?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** no that's what they called him

 **Pansy Parkinson:** the creativity of the gryffindors never fails to astound me!

 **Blaise Zabini:** Why is he even offended by that he could've been called much worse

 **Blaise Zabini:** He HAS been called worse

 **Pansy Parkinson:** only behind his back

 ** _Draco Malfoy_** left the chat

 **Blaise Zabini:** ... And then he's surprised when people call him a cunt


	2. Chapter 2

**_Severus Snape_** created a new chat

 ** _Severus Snape_** added ** _Seamus Finnigan, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, Theodore Nott, Pansy Parkinson, Parvati Patil, The Boy Who Lived, Dean Thomas, Ron Weasley_** and ** _Blaise Zabini_** to the chat

 ** _Severus Snape_** named the chat ** _Potions Assignments_**

 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** left the chat

 **Severus Snape:** Stupid boy.

 ** _Severus Snape_** added **_Seamus Finnigan_** to the chat

 **Severus Snape:** Ten points from Gryffindor for that little stunt, Finnigan.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Bollocks

 **Severus Snape:** Are you all here?

 **Severus Snape:** Good.

 **Severus Snape:** Unfortunately, your headteacher has advised that I set up a 'group chat' on these ridiculous devices to keep you up to date with your assignments.

 **Hermione Granger:** Can we use the chat to ask for help, too?

 **Severus Snape:** No talking while I'm typing. Five points from Gryffindor.

 **Draco Malfoy:** ha

 **Ron Weasley:** ...

 **Ron Weasley:** No points from Slytherin then?

 **Ron Weasley:** Funny that

 **Hermione Granger:** Ronald, are you mad?

 **Ron Weasley:** He's a lot less intimidating via text

 **Severus Snape:** But I'll be plenty intimidating when you meet me tonight to serve a thirty minute detention.

 **Ron Weasley:** Oh shit

 **Severus Snape:** Forty-five minutes.

 **The Boy Who Lived:** Sir can u please unblock me on Twitter

 **Severus Snape:** Do you want to join him, Potter?

 **Severus Snape:** And what's with the username? Does your ego know no bounds?

 ** _Severus Snape_** changed **_The Boy Who Lived_** _'s_ chat name to **_Harry Potter_**

 **Harry Potter:** God bless you

 **Severus Snape:** Be quiet.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Sir u have Twitter?

 **Seamus Finnigan:** What's ur @ I'll follow u

 **Severus Snape:** Of course I don't. ****

 **Harry Potter:** snapethesnake

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Fanks !

 **Harry Potter:** Welcome!

 **Severus Snape:** DETENTION.

 **Harry Potter:** Didn't have u down as the type to listen to The Cure sir

 **Severus Snape:** I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

 **Hermione Granger:** Harry, for the love of God PLEASE shut up.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** I'm ur 11th follower sir

 **Ron Weasley:** I'm your 12th sir

 **Ron Weasley:** Nvm he blocked me

 **Ron Weasley:** Not before I snuck in a cheeky retweet though

 **Harry Potter:** Since when do u have Twitter Ron wtf

 **Ron Weasley:** Hermione set me up an account isn't she a sweetheart <3

 **Harry Potter:** I just gagged

 **Seamus Finnigan:** ;-)

 **Harry Potter:** NOT LIKE THAT

 **Hermione Granger:** Please keep all euphemisms out of the group chat WITH OUR PROFESSOR IN IT.

 **Hermione Granger:** Also, thanks Ron. :-)

 **Neville Longbottom:** i ship it

 **Harry Potter:** Neville were u rlly completely silent for like 3 days only to return to proclaim ur dedication to the Romione ship

 **Neville Longbottom:** uh. yeah.

 **Harry Potter:** This is why I love u mate

 **Neville Longbottom:** love u too :'-)

 **Seamus Finnigan:** GAAAAY

 **Neville Longbottom:** um

 **Harry Potter:** I SAID MATE

 **Seamus Finnigan:** But you didn't say no homo

 **Harry Potter:** BECAUSE NO HOMO ACTS WERE INVOLVED

 **Neville Longbottom:** you're not making yourself sound any less guilty harry

 **Harry Potter:** UR SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE NEV

 **Seamus Finnigan:** He doesn't want to keep ur passionate homoerotic affair a secret anymore

 **Neville Longbottom:** ;-)

 **Harry Potter:** WTFHUEHEHIHDWDDEJ

 **Severus Snape:** Ahem.

 **Hermione Granger:** Boys, shut up.

 **Ron Weasley:** What the fuck is a no homo  
  
  


 ** _Draco Malfoy_** to **_Blaise Zabini_** and **_Pansy Parkinson_**

 **Draco Malfoy:** i can't take any more of this.

 **Draco Malfoy:** they're all complete imbeciles.

 **Draco Malfoy:** i can't possibly stay in that chat with potter. he's insufferable.

 **Draco Malfoy:** and finnigan is utterly REPULSIVE.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** have u found snapes twitter tho

 **Pansy Parkinson:** its actual gold

 **Blaise Zabini:** He's got 18 followers now bless him

 **Pansy Parkinson:** #thriving

 **Blaise Zabini:** You're becoming more and more muggle-esque by the day

 **Draco Malfoy:** don't be disgusting.   
  
  


**_Severus Snape_ **muted **_Seamus Finnigan, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom, Harry Potter_ **and **_Ron Weasley_**

 **Draco Malfoy:** thank you sir!

 **Severus Snape:** Right. Onto the assignment.   
  
  


**_Ron Weasley_** named the chat **_Snape smells like cheese and onion crisps_**

 **Hermione Granger:** Aren't you in detention?

 **Harry Potter:** He's not wrong tho

 **Harry Potter:** He claims he hates muggles yet he wilfully eats our crisps???? Aight then

 **Ron Weasley:** Cheese and onion crisps always take precedence over pig-headed racism <3

 **Harry Potter:** Ew no

 **Harry Potter:** Salt and vinegar ftw

 **Ron Weasley:** I don't know what that means but yes

 **Hermione Granger:** You should be taking the opportunity to begin your assignment!

 **Harry Potter:** I've just had the worst mf year of my life I'm not doing SHIT this year

 **Ron Weasley:** Re fucking tweet

 **Hermione Granger:** Whatever. I'll be waiting for you in the library afterwards.

 **Ron Weasley:** You're not studying already?

 **Hermione Granger:** Yes? Obviously?

 **Ron Weasley:** You've gone completely batty haven't you

 **Harry Potter:** Careful Ron

 **Hermione Granger:** Excuse me?

 **Ron Weasley:** kfkfiejwggg

 **Hermione Granger:**..... I said EXCUSE ME?

 **Hermione Granger:** Boys?

 **Ron Weasley:** Please refrain from interrupting your fellow students while they are serving detention, Miss Granger. Twenty points each from Gryffindor.

 **Hermione Granger:** Well fuck.  
  


 ** _  
Ron Weasley_** created a new chat

 ** _Ron Weasley_** added **_Harry Potter_** to the chat

 ** _Ron Weasley_** named the chat **_Fairies_**

 ** _Ron Weasley_** named the chat **_And I don't mean the magical kind_**

 ** _Ron Weasley_** named the chat **_I mean SODOMY_**

 **Harry Potter:** Ron mate are u okay

 **Harry Potter:** Have u just had a homosexual awakening

 **Ron Weasley:** Harry this is serious

 **Harry Potter:** Right

 **Ron Weasley:** I think Seamus fancies you

 **Harry Potter:** Yh ur officially mad

 **Ron Weasley:** Alright hear me out

 **Ron Weasley:** He kept going on about gays don't you think that suggests something

 **Harry Potter:** He was joking mate

 **Ron Weasley:** Straight men do not joke about gays like that

 **Harry Potter:** How do they joke about gays then, enlighten me

 **Ron Weasley:** Fuck if I know

 **Ron Weasley:** They call each other fags then punch each other on the shoulder

 **Harry Potter:** Lmfao when have we ever done that

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah well I have the courtesy not to because I'm sensitive and considerate

 **Hermione Granger:** You're neither of those things.

 **Ron Weasley:** How the fuck did you get into the chat

 **Hermione Granger:**..... No matter.

 **Hermione Granger:** Anyway, why do you care if Seamus is gay?

 **Ron Weasley:** I don't. Obviously.

 **Ron Weasley:** I'm just giving Harry a heads up

 **Harry Potter:** I don't think a heads up is necessary thx

 **Ron Weasley:** He literally snogged you at that Christmas party last year

 **Harry Potter:** So did you???? We were pissed that's the kind of shit that happens

 **Ron Weasley:** What

 **Harry Potter:** What

 **Hermione Granger:** What

 **Hermione Granger:** You guys kissed?

 **Harry Potter:** O shit do u not remember

 **Harry Potter:** Ginny dared u to kiss me how do u not remember

 **Ron Weasley:** WHAT

 **Harry Potter:** If it's any consolation it was an absolutely shite kiss and it lasted for like 2 seconds

 **Ron Weasley:** NO CONSOLATION WHATSOEVER THANKS

 **Hermione Granger:** Are you alright, Ron?

 **Ron Weasley:** YES THANK YOU HERMIONE I AM COMPLETELY FINE

 **Harry Potter:** I don't think he's completely fine

 **Hermione Granger:** You don't say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this is probably utter rubbish but it's very fun to write so <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello pls excuse the het at the beginning we need 2 build up to harry's ~homosexual awakening~. also nudes.

**_Ginny Weasley_** created a new chat

 ** _Ginny Weasley_** added **_Harry Potter_** to the chat

 ** _Ginny Weasley_** sent a photo to the chat

 **Harry Potter:** Fucking hell

 **Ginny Weasley:** good fucking hell or bad fucking hell

 **Harry** **Potter:** Definitely good

 **Harry Potter:** Shit ur gorgeous

 **Ginny Weasley:** ur cute :’)

 **Ginny Weasley:** can we meet?

 **Harry Potter:** Fuck ye

 **Harry Potter:** How are u so in tune with muggle shit already

 **Ginny Weasley:** hermione's been teaching me

 **Harry Potter:** I trust I have her to thank then

 **Ginny Weasley:** ;)

 **Harry Potter:** She is far craftier than anyone realises

 **Ginny Weasley:** aight ive snuck out the hall can u meet in 5 <3

 **Harry Potter:** I'm coming

 **Ginny Weasley:** well, i certainly hope so

 **Harry Potter:** Oh shit

**_  
Ron Weasley_** changed the chat name to **_Our friendship has officially been made redundant_**

 **Harry Potter:** I said I was sorry mate

 **Harry Potter:** To be fair though you don't just open someone else's messages

 **Ron Weasley:** I don't know fucking muggle etiquette do I

 **Harry Potter:** I mean I would've thought that was just common sense

 **Ron Weasley:** Fuck off

 **Harry Potter:** Oh my god ur genuinely upset aren't you

 **Harry Potter:** Bless ur cotton socks  
  


 ** _  
Ron Weasley_** created a new chat

 ** _Ron Weasley_** added ** _Hermione Granger_** to the chat

 **Ron Weasley:** This is the worst day of my life

 **Hermione Granger:** Honestly, Ron, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as you think. Harry said it was just a friendly kiss. Like a kiss on the cheek, except, you know, on the lips.

 **Ron Weasley:** Shit don't remind me of that as well

 **Ron Weasley:** No, believe it or not, it's got worse since then

 **Hermione Granger:** Not another detention?

 **Hermione Granger:** How Snape dredges up the energy to continue his existence as a Miserable Fucking Bastard for the eighth year running is beyond me.

 **Ron Weasley:** Not even that

 **Hermione Granger:** What, then?

 **Ron Weasley:** Don't laugh

 **Hermione Granger:** I can't make any promises.

 **Ron Weasley:** I saw Harry's cock

 **Hermione Granger:** WHAT

 **Ron Weasley:** He was

 **Ron Weasley:** You know

 **Ron Weasley:** Having a wank

 **Hermione Granger:** STOP IM IN THE LIBRARY

 **Hermione Granger:** YOURE MAKING ME LAUGH

 **Ron Weasley:** I really am aren't I your grammar is slacking

 **Ron Weasley:** Anyway WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING I'm fucking traumatised I genuinely feel sick to my stomach

 **Hermione Granger:** Yeah just give me a minute

 **Ron Weasley:** ......

 **Hermione Granger:** Alright I'm done.

 **Hermione Granger:** Look, it's not that big of a deal, is it? You share a dorm with four other boys, it's only natural that it would happen at some point.

 **Ron Weasley:** No not like that

 **Ron Weasley:** It was a video on Ginny's phone

 **Ron Weasley:** My finger slipped and I accidentally unlocked her phone and opened the video

 **Hermione Granger:** You're an idiot.

 **Ron Weasley:** Cor thanks

 **Hermione Granger:** At least you now know not to open other people's messages! Serves you right, really.

 **Ron Weasley:** Alright fuck you

 **Ron Weasley:** I'll find pity elsewhere

 **Hermione Granger:** Good luck baby <3

 **Ron Weasley:** Don't take that patronising tone with me >:-(

 **Hermione Granger:** I'm sorry?

 **Ron Weasley:** I SAID I LOVE YOU

 **Hermione Granger:** Yeah, that's what I thought.

 **Hermione Granger:** I love you too. :-)  
  


 ** _  
Ginny Weasley_** to **_Harry Potter_**

 **Ginny Weasley:** is he scarred for life?

 **Harry Potter:** I think so

 **Ginny Weasley:** nice vid tho

 **Harry Potter:** Thanks ;-)

 **Ginny Weasley:** nvm youve suddenly lost all preexisting sex appeal

 **Ginny Weasley:** that face has put me right off

 **Harry Potter:** :-(

 **Ginny Weasley:** ew the nose is so creepy   
  


**_  
Harry Potter_** created a new chat

 ** _Harry Potter_** added **_Hermione Granger_** to the chat

 **Harry Potter:** Thank u so fucking much ur a literal. Angel bless u I love u

 **Hermione Granger:**? You're welcome, I guess.

 **Hermione Granger:** Oh, right.

 **Hermione Granger:** You're welcome ;-)

 **Hermione Granger:** I think you've broken Ron, though.  
  


 ** _  
Seamus Finnigan_** changed the chat name to **_Harry Potter and The Surprisingly Impressive Knob_**

 **Harry Potter:** HOW DO YOU KNOW

 **Neville Longbottom:** harry everyone knows

 **Neville Longbottom:** ron has not shut up all evening

 **Dean Thomas:** I suppose we should be congratulating you, really

 **Ron Weasley:** I hate you all with a burning passion

 **Harry Potter:** Ron mate

 **Harry Potter:** It was a little wank, that's all

 **Hermione Granger:** Oh my god. Please sort out your relations in the Sodomy chat.

 **Dean Thomas:** .....The what chat

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Sounds right up my alley ;-)

 **Dean Thomas:** Yeah, never say that again.  
  


 ** _  
Dean Thomas_** to ** _Potions Assigments_**

 **Dean Thomas:** Sir

 **Severus Snape:** No.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Sir

 **Severus Snape:** Absolutely not.

 **Harry Potter:** Sir

 **Severus Snape:** I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Sir we just need a bit more extra time for the assignment that's all

 **Dean Thomas:** Yeah sir, we could hardly be expected to finish it in 3 days

 **Severus Snape:** Why not? Malfoy has finished his already.

 **Draco Malfoy:** :-)

 **Harry Potter:** *RETCH*

 **Harry Potter:** Sorry I just gagged in a very hereto and non-sexual manner

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Yh but he's good at potions the rest of us need a bit longer

 **Harry Potter:** Fuck u I'm brilliant

 **Hermione Granger:** Only because you had that book.

 **Ron Weasley:** Seamus did you just compliment Malfoy

 **Ron Weasley:** What the fuck

 **Harry Potter:** What the fuck squared

 **Ron Weasley:** Sorry did somebody speak?

 **Harry Potter:** :-(

 **Ron Weasley:** Stop using my smilies as emotional blackmail

 **Hermione Granger:** Again, boys. Keep your deteriorating relationship to the Sodomy chat.

 **Severus Snape:** I beg your pardon?

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Please add me 2 the sodomy chat

 **Seamus Finnigan:** I'll b a valuable ally in ur homosexual escapades

 **Harry Potter:** THERE ARE NO HOMOSEXUAL ESCAPADES

 **Severus Snape:** I give up.

 **Pansy Parksinson:** wot was that about deteriorating relationships

 **Hermione Granger:** Keep your nose out of their business, Pansy.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** in the nicest way possible: fuck off, granger

 **Pansy Parkinson:** anyway wots the beef between potter and weasel

 **Neville Longbottom:** ron saw harry's nudes

 **Harry Potter:** NEVILLE

 **Ron Weasley:** NEVILLE

 **Hermione Granger:** NEVILLE

 **Seamus Finnigan:** NEVILLE

 **Dean Thomas:** NEVILLE

 **Pansy Parkinson:** shit i havent got to that section of the muggle studies textbook yet

 **Hermione Granger:** Pretty self-explanatory, really. Nude pictures.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** oooo rite i c

 **Pansy Parkinson:** saucy ;)

 **Draco Malfoy:** pansy, why are you talking to the gryffindors?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** draco, please kindly remove the stick from ur arse n return to the chat in a better mood

 **Blaise Zabini:** Oh shit

 **Hermione Granger:** My sentiments exactly.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i wasn't trying to b NICE granger

 **Pansy Parkinson:** its for my own sanity rlly

 **Hermione Granger:** Well, thanks.

 **Ron Weasley:** HeRmIoNe

 **Harry Potter:** You know what she'll say Ron

 **Ron Weasley:** Sodomy chat?

 **Hermione Granger:** Sodomy chat.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** potter r u actually queer or wot

 **Pansy Parkinson:** just out of interest

 **Harry Potter:** I literally have a girlfriend

 **Pansy Parkinson:** could swing both ways

 **Harry Potter:** I'm straight

 **Pansy Parkinson:** HA

 **Harry Potter:**...

 **Pansy Parkinson:** oh ur serious

 **Seamus Finnigan:** FILTHY SLANDEROUS LIES

 **Harry Potter:** You what

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Do you or do u not listen to The Smiths

 **Harry Potter:**....... I do

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Yh well unfortunately that makes u at least 25% homosexual

 **Neville Longbottom:** that's actually a scientific fact

 **Seamus Finnigan:** It's becoming a bit of an epidemic

 **Harry Potter:** Neville I'm beginning to think you've got it in for me

 **Pansy Parkinson:** wait people actually listen 2 the smiths?

 **Harry Potter:** Yes?

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Harry spent fifth year crying to the smiths self titled album

 **Harry Potter:** I WAS IN A ROUGH PLACE

 **Pansy Parkinson:** wow potter ur music taste is even more dreadful than i thought

 **Draco Malfoy:** how do you know about muggle bands anyway, pansy?

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Yh Pansy

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Leave the smiths alone

 **Ron Weasley:** WHY ARE YOU AGREEING WITH MALFOY AGAIN

 **Harry Potter:** Ron please calm down

 **Ron Weasley:** This is the worst day of my life

 **Ron Weasley:** And I've nearly died like 10 times

 **Pansy Parkinson:** draco shut up i literally caught u listening 2 the pet shop boys the other week

 **Harry Potter:** AHAHHAHA

 **Harry Potter:** NO WAY THATS BRILLIANT

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Now THAT'S homosexual

 ** _Draco Malfoy_** left the chat

**_Blaise Zabini_** to **_Draco Malfoy_** and _**Pansy Parkinson**_

 **Blaise Zabini:** What was that you said earlier about being nicer to the Gryffindors, Pansy?

 **Draco Malfoy:** she is being nice. and i'm beginning to think she doesn't value our friendship half as much as she ought to.

 **Blaise Zabini:** She literally just insulted them

 **Draco Malfoy:** exactly.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** shut up malfoy u spent like 6 years stringing me along dont talk abt not valuing friendships

 **Draco Malfoy:** i did not!

 **Draco Malfoy:** it's hardly my fault i didn't reciprocate your feelings for me.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** bc ur a raging homosexual

 **Draco Malfoy:** no.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** anyway there's some sort of drama between ron and harry u could hardly expect me to just sit there in silence

 **Blaise Zabini:** I did

 **Draco Malfoy:** i did.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** yh but ur both boring

 **Draco Malfoy:** why would i be remotely interested in potter's nudes?

 **Draco Malfoy:** why would you even send someone a picture of your penis anyway? it's absolutely disgusting.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** n yet ur the one who brought them up

 ** _Draco Malfoy_** left the chat

 **Pansy Parkinson:** GAAAAAYY

 **Blaise Zabini:** Wait do you actually think he's gay

 **Pansy Parkinson:** blaise we had the most mechanical sex in the history of mankind

 **Pansy Parkinson:** and im not ugly so it wasnt my fault

 **Blaise Zabini:** I just thought he was incapable of human affection

 **Pansy Parkinson:** true..... but also false

 **Pansy Parkinson:** he used 2 follow u around like a lost puppy

 **Blaise Zabini:** Wait what

 **Pansy Parkinson:** its alright i dont think he likes u anymore

 **Blaise Zabini:** Oh god

 **Pansy Parkinson:** oh cmon

 **Pansy Parkinson:** dont worry he clearly likes potter anyway

 **Blaise Zabini:** Draco was right. You've gone loopy.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** just u wait 

**Blaise Zabini:** That's why you asked Harry if he was queer wasn't it

 **Pansy Parkinson:** well, draco is a stubborn fuck so i figured id hurry things along a bit

 **Blaise Zabini:** You harpy.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** alright then. 20 galleons says potter likes it up the arse

 **Blaise Zabini:** Why the fuck did you have to put it like that 

**Blaise Zabini:** ... Deal


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sum light ANGST for u all bcos it had to come at some point n also some fluff bc i feel bad for making my faves suffer enjoy!!!!

**_Hermione Granger_** to ** _Snape smells like cheese and onion crisps_**

 **Hermione Granger:** Harry, what the FUCK?

 **Ron Weasley:** Wait what happened

 **Hermione Granger:** How did you miss it? Pretty much the entire year group saw.

 **Ron Weasley:** Well it's not really any of your business but I was preoccupied in the boys' toilets

 **Hermione Granger:** That's disgusting and unsanitary.

 **Ron Weasley:** Nothing unsanitary about taking a shit we all do it

 **Hermione Granger:**... Forget I asked.

 **Hermione Granger:** Well, you've really missed out.

 **Ron Weasley:** Missed out on what

 **Hermione Granger:** You know I don't condone violence but it WAS rather brilliant.

 **Ron Weasley:** WHAT WAS WHAT WAS BRILLIANT

 **Hermione Granger:** Harry punching Malfoy in the face.

 **Ron Weasley:** REALLY

 **Ron Weasley:** Good on him 

**Hermione Granger:** Yes, but Harry's supposed to be working on controlling his temper.

 **Ron Weasley:** Hermione it's MALFOY don't pretend he doesn't deserve it

 **Ron Weasley:** I would've done it myself only I don't particularly want to touch him

 **Hermione Granger:** You mean you could have done it yourself on the first day of term but Ginny got in there first.

 **Ron Weasley:** Tomato tomato

 **Hermione Granger:** Anyway, stop distracting me. What did he do, Harry?

 **Hermione Granger:** I thought we all agreed to ignore Malfoy?

 **Ron Weasley:** We didn't properly agree we just said yes so you'd stop talking

 **Hermione Granger:** Shut up, Ronald.

 **Hermione Granger:** Harry, I know you're reading these.

 **Ron Weasley:** Leave him alone he's probably upset

 **Ron Weasley:** I'll talk to him

 **Hermione Granger:** Do you want me to come with you?

 **Ron Weasley:** Best not

 **Ron Weasley:** I think he can be spared the authoritarian lecture today

 **Hermione Granger:** Pardon?

 **Ron Weasley:** I said love you!

 **Hermione Granger:** You're skating on thin ice.

 **Ron Weasley:** <3

**_Hermione Granger_** to **_Ron Weasley_**

 **Hermione Granger:** Any update?

 **Hermione Granger:** Ron?

 **Hermione Granger:** Don't think you can just ignore these messages and get out of an 'authoritarian lecture', as you so gracelessly put it.

 **Ron Weasley:** Hermione leave it

 **Hermione Granger:** What? Why? Do you know what happened?

 **Ron Weasley:** He was defending us

 **Ron Weasley:** Malfoy was being a cunt as usual

 **Ron Weasley:** Then he brought up Fred and Harry punched him in the face

 **Hermione Granger:** Oh

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah

 **Hermione Granger:** Want me to come over?

 **Ron Weasley:** Please

 **Ron Weasley:** We're in the boys' dorm though

 **Hermione Granger:** Takes more than a roomful of pubescent boys to intimidate me.

 **Ron Weasley:** Trust me, I know 

**_Hermione Granger_** added **_Harry Potter_** to the chat

 **Hermione Granger:** Big spoon or little spoon?

 **Harry Potter:** You what?

 **Hermione Granger:** I'll be round in a minute. I've got chocolate frogs.

 **Harry Potter:** Right

 **Harry Potter:** Thanks :-)

 **Harry Potter:** Oh, and little spoon

 **Harry Potter:** But don't tell Ron

 **Hermione Granger:** I wouldn't dream of it. 

**_Hermione Granger_** to **_Ron Weasley_**

 ** _Hermione Granger_** sent a screenshot to the chat

 **Ron Weasley:** What the fuck

 **Ron Weasley:** Can't I be middle spoon :-(

 **Hermione Granger:** I'll consult Harry. 

**Hermione Granger:** He said yes. 

**Ron Weasley:** On my way :-)

**_Harry Potter_** to **_Ron Weasley_**

 **Harry Potter:** You ate all the chocolate frogs you cunt 

**Ron Weasley:** Shut up I'm missing out on dinner for your sorry arse 

**Harry Potter:** Ur so selfless <3

 **Harry Potter:** Have u forgiven me then 

**Ron Weasley:** Yeah well I kinda fuckin have to 

**Ron Weasley:** I wouldn't leave Hermione to comfort you alone 

**Harry Potter:** She can be a bit rubbish in the comforting department 

**Harry Potter:** Bless her 

**Harry Potter:** Are you alright, by the way? 

**Ron Weasley:** Just peachy, thanks

 **Harry Potter:** Hey you can't be sarcastic that's my thing :-(

 **Harry Potter:** ... 

**Harry Potter:** You know I don't mind talking about it 

**Harry Potter:** Well, I do, but the fucking guidance counsellor said I should talk about it

 **Ron Weasley:** It's alright 

**Ron Weasley:** Not yet 

**Ron Weasley:** I REALLY fucking hate Malfoy though

 **Ron Weasley:** What a fucking bastard 

**Harry Potter:** Rt

 **Harry Potter:** Oh wait u did actually tweet it

 **Ron Weasley:** Five likes already baby

 **Harry Potter:** Ahahahaha Snape's been bitching abt us again 

**Ron Weasley:** What the fuck did he unblock you

 **Harry Potter:** Nah I made another account to stalk him 

**Ron Weasley:** Good idea

 **Ron Weasley:** I'm doing the same 

**Ron Weasley:** Just as soon as Hermione wakes up because I can't make the account by myself 

**Harry Potter:** Loser

 **Ron Weasley:** I hate you 

**Harry Potter:** Love u too 

**Ron Weasley:** Where've you sodded off to

 **Ron Weasley:** Hermione's telling me off you're supposed to be here to comfort me :-(

 **Ron Weasley:** She's banging on about pacifism as if we haven't just won a fucking war 

**Ron Weasley:** SOS

 **Harry Potter:** I'm outside McGonagall's office 

**Ron Weasley:** Bloody hell I didn't realise you were in that much trouble

 **Harry Potter:** We're abt to have a good ol natter abt my anger issues

 **Harry Potter:** Fuck yeaa

 **Ron Weasley:** Lol good luck 

**Harry Potter:** Don't lol me 

**Ron Weasley:** Lol

 **Harry Potter:** You're a disgrace 

**_Minerva McGonagall_** created a new chat

 ** _Minerva McGonagall_** added **_Harry Potter_** to the chat

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Ah, Potter. Come in. 

**Harry Potter:** .... You're sat right in front of me 

**Minerva McGonagall:** Yes, but I figured we'd just have the meeting via text.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Aren't these new mobile phones brilliant?

 **Harry Potter:** Right

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Anyway, Mr Potter. We need to have a chat about certain incidents that occurred this morning. 

**Harry Potter:** Malfoy was being a cunt 

**Minerva McGonagall:** I beg your pardon? 

**Harry Potter:** I mean a twat 

**Minerva McGonagall:**...

 **Harry Potter:** I mean an idiot 

**Harry Potter:** Professor

 **Minerva McGonagall:** That's better. 

**Minerva McGonagall:** Now, Potter, it would hardly be appropriate for you to earn yourself an exclusion two weeks into your first term, would it? 

**Harry Potter:** No Professor

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Good. Now, since you've behaved like a child I have been forced to treat you as such. You will serve a week's detention to with me to ensure that you learn your lesson. Fighting is not tolerated at Hogwarts, as you ought to know by now. 

**Minerva McGonagall:** Oh, and fifty points will be taken from your house. 

**Harry Potter:** What about Malfoy? He started it. 

**Harry Potter:** That's not fair! 

**Minerva McGonagall:** Mr Malfoy will also be suitably punished, but I'm sure that's none of your business. 

**Harry Potter:** Yes, Professor

 **Minerva McGonagall:** I know what you've been through, Harry. So please, just this once, leave justice in the very capable hands of your Professors. 

**Minerva McGonagall:** Also, I noticed you were missing from the hall at dinner last night. Were you feeling alright? If Mr Malfoy injured you you'll need to visit the hospital wing. 

**Harry Potter:** I'm fine now 

**Harry Potter:** And believe me, he didn't hurt me

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Right, well. I'll see you later, Mr Potter. Hopefully in more desirable circumstances, I'm sure we can both agree?

 **Harry Potter:** Yes, Professor

 **Harry Potter:** Thanks Professor

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Oh, and I've suggested you book in for another session with the guidance counsellor. 

**Minerva McGonagall** : It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know. Everyone can do with a little extra help from time to time. 

**Harry Potter:** Right. Brilliant. 

**Minerva McGonagall:** Unfortunately I can't tell if you're being sincere via text. 

**Harry Potter:** You could just look at my face

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Touche. 

**Minerva McGonagall:** You were being sarcastic, weren't you?

 **Harry Potter:** Me? Never

**_Harry Potter_** to ** _Ron Weasley_**

 **Harry Potter:** Weirdest fucking meeting of my life

**_Pansy Parkinson_** added ** _Draco Malfoy_** to the chat

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ur a stupid cunt 

**Draco Malfoy:** save it, pansy. believe me, i've heard it all already. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** fuckin hell ur dad hasnt caught wind of it already 

**Draco Malfoy:** i've already had three letters threatening to disinherit me if i don't clean my act up, thanks. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** wow 

**Pansy Parkinson:** u may b a stupid cunt but he's a FUCKING cunt 

**Draco Malfoy:** he won’t actually DO it. he’s said the same thing about five times now. he's just worried i'll fuck up and we'll all land ourselves in azkaban. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** well he's right 

**Pansy Parkinson:** u couldve gone 4 anyone n u went for potty 

**Pansy Parkinson:** AND u went all fucking pureblood on him 

**Pansy Parkinson:** god ur a fuckin imbecile 

**Draco Malfoy:** i didn't know the weasel's brother was fucking dead, did i? it's not like i'm in the habit of sending owls to their hovel to check they're all still breathing.

 **Draco Malfoy:** frankly, i couldn't care less whether they live or die. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** fuckin hell 

**Pansy Parkinson:** u need to tone down ur pureblood bullshit the war's over

 **Draco Malfoy:** it was nothing to do with my 'pureblood bullshit' and everything to do with the fact that all his friends are complete arses. 

**Draco Malfoy:** whose side were YOU on in the war, anyway? 

**Pansy Parkinson:** u know damn well whose side i was on 

**Pansy Parkinson:** at least i can admit i was wrong 

**Draco Malfoy:** i know i was wrong. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** could've fooled me 

**Draco Malfoy:** why do you think i couldn't kill dumbledore, then? i knew it was fucking wrong. 

**Draco Malfoy:** look, just leave it for once. please. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** did u just say please? 

**Draco Malfoy:** shut up. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** no i genuinely think ive just gone into shock 

**Pansy Parkinson:** alright look

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i dont think ur a shitty person, is that good enough? 

**Draco Malfoy:** i mean, you're clearly lying. but okay. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** i never lie 

**Draco Malfoy:** ...

 **Pansy Parkinson:** only when i absolutely NEED to

 **Pansy Parkinson:** anyway i mean it

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i think youve done a whole load of shitty things but ur not a shitty person

 **Draco Malfoy:** right. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** don't i get a thank you?

 **Draco Malfoy:** don't push it. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** how's ur cheek anyway 

**Draco Malfoy:** fine. it didn't even hurt. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** rlly? cos i couldve sworn i saw u crying 

**Draco Malfoy:** shut the fuck up. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** clearly i was mistaken 

**Draco Malfoy:** clearly. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** ive got foundation if u want me to cover up the bruise 

**Draco Malfoy:** you think your shade of foundation would fit my skin tone? 

**Pansy Parkinson:** o shit yh 

**Pansy Parkinson:** well. do u want me 2 visit u anyway 

**Draco Malfoy:** i did mean it when i said i wasn't interested in a relationship anymore. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** fuckin hell im not always coming onto u u know

 **Pansy Parkinson:** believe it or not i thought we were FRIENDS

 **Draco Malfoy:** really? 

**Pansy Parkinson:** .... yes rlly u melodramatic bitch 

**Pansy Parkinson:** consolation bjs r still on offer tho

 **Pansy Parkinson:** just putting it out there

 **Draco Malfoy:** pardon? 

**Pansy Parkinson:**... nvm

 **Pansy Parkinson:** now r u gonna let me visit u or not 

**Draco Malfoy:** fine. but you can't stay too late. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** omw 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obligatory inter-house party. also harry potter listens to britpop n that's canon

**_Minerva McGonagall_** added **_Draco Malfoy_** to the chat

 **Draco Malfoy:** whthfu cnk

 **Draco Malfoy:** i mean, hello.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Good morning, Mr Malfoy.

 **Draco Malfoy:**... it's half past six

 **Minerva McGonagall:** A befitting time for a meeting, I'm sure you'll agree.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Anyway, onto the matter at hand: I do recall asking you to issue an apology to Mr Potter.

 **Draco Malfoy:** he hasn't apologised to me.

 **Draco Malfoy:** in fact, as far as i'm concerned he hasn't shown any remorse whatsoever.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Harry has been given an appropriate punishment, but that's none of your concern.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Now, about that apology.

 **Draco Malfoy:** it won't let me message him, professor. his name doesn't come up in my contacts anymore.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Really? That's strange. Perhaps he's blocked you.

 **Draco Malfoy:** why would he do that?

 **Minerva McGonagall:** I can't possibly think.

 **Draco Malfoy:** that's abominably rude!

 **Draco Malfoy:** what does it mean, exactly?

 **Minerva McGonagall:** It means he has prevented you from having any connection with him.

 **Draco Malfoy:** so i never have to talk to him again? sounds alright to me.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** No, it doesn't follow in real life - you'll still be able to talk to him in person.

 **Draco Malfoy:** can't i just block him altogether?

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Not until you've apologised, no.

 **Draco Malfoy:** fine.

 **Draco Malfoy:** is that all?

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Before you go, Mr Malfoy, let me remind you of the precariousness of your position at Hogwarts.

 **Draco Malfoy:** yes. i know.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Should there be another incident, I may be forced to expel you.

 **Draco Malfoy:** but i've only had one warning!

 **Minerva McGonagall:** One warning is enough, Mr Malfoy. I do hope you appreciate how hard I fought to let you remain at Hogwarts this year. There are people who would much rather you were elsewhere.

 **Draco Malfoy:** elsewhere meaning azkaban, presumably.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Well. I did try to put it diplomatically.

 **Draco Malfoy:** can i go, then?

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Alright. Good day, Malfoy.

 **Draco Malfoy:** good night.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** It's morning, dear.

 **Draco Malfoy:** and i'm going back to bed.   
  


**_  
Draco Malfoy_** to **_Pansy Parkinson_** and **_Blaise Zabini_**

 **Draco Malfoy:** mcgonagall has lost the fucking plot.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** whyd u wake me up u fuckifn cunt twat wank

 **Blaise Zabini:** Oh Pansy

 **Blaise Zabini:** You're always so articulate

 **Pansy Parkinson:** wrrhy the fuck r uawake

 **Draco Malfoy:** morning wank.

 **Blaise Zabini:** ^

 **Pansy Parkinson:** geross  
  


 ** _  
Seamus Finnigan_** to **_Harry Potter and The Surprisingly Impressive Knob_**

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Harry mate you've got a face like a smacked arse

 **Harry Potter:** Blimey thanks

 **Harry Potter:** Also please change the chat name for fucks sake

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Alright keep ur hair on

 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** changed the chat name to **_PISS UP_**

 **Hermione Granger:** No.

 **Ron Weasley:** Why not :-(

 **Hermione Granger:** Well, because you'll end up blacking out after one shot of firewhiskey, for starters.

 **Ron Weasley:** LIES

 **Hermione Granger:** Need I remind you of New Years Eve again?

 **Ron Weasley:** Please don't

 **Ron Weasley:** But I'm still going

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Fuck yeah

 **Hermione Granger:** Why? We don't need a party. We have nothing to celebrate.

 **Dean Thomas:** How about not being dead?

 **Ron Weasley:** ^

 **Seamus Finnigan:** ^

 **Neville Longbottom:** ^

 **Harry Potter:** Yh I'm with Hermione

 **Harry Potter:** Thanks, but no thanks

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Wtf why

 **Hermione Granger:** Because whenever Harry drinks he either ends up crying on my shoulder or snogging anyone within a five mile radius.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** I'm failing to see any downsides

 **Harry Potter:** I can't do any stupid shit after the fight, sorry

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Pleeeeease

 **Harry Potter:** No.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** I've got the new Blur album

 **Harry Potter:** Yeah alright

 **Seamus Finnigan:** LMAO

 **Neville Longbottom:** wow

 **Ron Weasley:** You what

 **Hermione Granger:** Muggle band, Ron.

 **Ron Weasley:** Right

 **Ron Weasley:** So you're coming then

 **Harry Potter:** Fine

 **Harry Potter:** But don't let me get too pissed

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah trust me I won't

 **Ron Weasley:** I don't even want to think about kissing you ever again

 **Harry Potter:** The feeling's mutual <3

 **Harry Potter:** Is it just us, then? Or can we invite others?

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Nah invite as many people as possible this is gonna b MAJOR

 **Neville Longbottom:** i've invited some of the hufflepuffs already :-)

 **Harry Potter:** Alright great I'll invite Ginny then

 **Dean Thomas:** Don't worry! I've invited her already

 **Harry Potter:** Oh right

 **Harry Potter:** That's brilliant   
  


**_  
Harry Potter_** to ** _I mean SODOMY_**

 **Harry Potter:** Ron he invited Ginny

 **Ron Weasley:** Harry he invited Ginny

 **Harry Potter:** Do you think he still fancies her

 **Ron Weasley:** He better not.

 **Harry Potter:** Fuck I hope not

 **Harry Potter:** He's so much better looking than I am

 **Ron Weasley:** Mate you're literally Harry Potter

 **Harry Potter:** Yeah, but I'm also distinctly average looking minus the whole, you know, hero status thing

 **Ron Weasley:** Honestly fuck you

 **Harry Potter:** What :-(

 **Ron Weasley:** You're handsome as fuck you absolute idiot

 **Ron Weasley:** You're so much better than he is

 **Ron Weasley:** I doubt Ginny even THINKS of Dean now she has you

 **Harry Potter:** Are you just saying that

 **Ron Weasley:** NO

 **Hermione Granger:** You two are absolutely adorable.

 **Ron Weasley:** Seriously how the fuck do you keep getting in this chat  
  


 ** _  
Pansy Parkinson_** to **_Draco Malfoy_** and **_Blaise Zabini_**

 **Pansy Parkinson:** the gryffindors r having a party without us wot the fuck

 **Draco Malfoy:** have you composed yourself now?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** did u not READ wot i just said

 **Blaise Zabini:** Why are you surprised

 **Blaise Zabini:** As you said, everyone hates us

 **Pansy Parkinson:** theres no fuckin way the whole of eighth year is getting pissed n im not going 2 be there

 **Blaise Zabini:** Lol good luck getting an invite

 **Pansy Parkinson:** omg u just lolled

 **Blaise Zabini:** What are we becoming

 **Draco Malfoy:** speak for yourself.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** besides i have an EXCELLENT plan

 **Blaise Zabini:** You always say that

 **Pansy Parkinson:** because they always are

 **Blaise Zabini:** Debatable.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** anyway listen

 **Pansy Parkinson:** whose the weakest gryffindor

 **Draco Malfoy:** give me a second, you've given me a sheer endless amount of choices.

 **Pansy Parkinson** **:** ...

 **Draco Malfoy:** longbottom, i suppose.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** exactly

 **Draco Malfoy:** ... exactly what?

 **Draco Malfoy:** pansy?  
  


 ** _  
Pansy Parkinson_** created a new chat

 ** _Pansy Parkinson_** added **_Neville Longbottom_** to the chat

 **Pansy Parkinson:** hey ;)

 **Neville Longbottom:**..... what

 **Pansy Parkinson:** long time no see

 **Neville Longbottom:** we've literally never spoken besides the time in third year when u hexed me for no reason

 **Pansy Parkinson:** and it's an absolute TRAVESTY don't u think

 **Neville Longbottom:** well

 **Pansy Parkinson:** has any1 ever told u youve got lovely eyes

 **Neville Longbottom:** .... do you even know what colour my eyes are

 **Pansy Parkinson:** yh blue

 **Neville Longbottom:** i mean no

 **Pansy Parkinson:** look i just wanna go 2 ur party thats all

 **Neville Longbottom:** absolutely not.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** since when did u become all headstrong

 **Neville Longbottom:** idk i guess nearly dying does that to you

 **Pansy Parkinson:** please

 **Neville Longbottom:** no.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ive got an entire crate of wine i nicked from my dads cellar

 **Neville Longbottom:**... ok maybe  
  


 ** _  
Pansy Parkinson_** to **_Draco Malfoy_** and **_Blaise Zabini_**

 **Pansy Parkinson:** holy fuck the gryffindors r so easy to manipulate

 **Blaise Zabini:** Wait you actually managed to get us invited

 **Pansy Parkinson:** not us

 **Pansy Parkinson:** me

 **Blaise Zabini:** Wow

 **Draco Malfoy:** what did you expect?

 **Draco Malfoy:** listen, i need you to get me invited.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i thought u hated the gryffindors

 **Draco Malfoy:** i do. but if i'm going to lose my dignity and apologise to potter i'll have to be absolutely shitfaced first.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** fine ill see what i can do

 **Pansy Parkinson:** just out of interest does ur dad have any expensive alcohol stashed away anywhere

 **Draco Malfoy:** absolutely not.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** worth a try 

**_  
Ron Weasley_** to ** _PISS UP_**

 **Ron Weasley:** Neville I could kiss you

 **Neville Longbottom:**... please dont

 **Ron Weasley:** KISS

 **Neville Longbottom:** NO

 **Ron Weasley:** KILL

 **Ron Weasley:** KILL I MEANT KILL

 **Neville Longbottom:** DONT DO THAT EITHER

 **Seamus Finnigan:** WHAT DID HE DO WHATS HAPPENING

 **Ron Weasley:** HE INVITED PANSY PARKINSON TO THE PARTY

 **Seamus Finnigan:** NEVILLE WHAT THE FUCK

 **Hermione Granger:** Please can we talk normally?

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah alright

 **Ron Weasley:** NEVILLE WHAT THE FUCK

 **Neville Longbottom:** she said she'd bring alcohol :-(

 **Neville Longbottom:** anyway i didn't say yes i said maybe

 **Hermione Granger:** Maybe we should just cancel.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Not so fast

 **Harry Potter:** It probably won't matter if the rest of the year's there as well

 **Ron Weasley:** HARRY

 **Harry Potter:** They're outnumbered three houses to one they'll be stupid to try anything dodgy

 **Ron Weasley:** They are fuckin stupid they're all death eaters

 **Neville Longbottom:** surely it'll be alright if it's just pansy

 **Neville Longbottom:** she can't be that bad

 **Ron Weasley:** neville she's friends with MALFOY

 **Neville Longbottom:** so?

 **Neville Longbottom:** some awful people have really nice friends

 **Neville Longbottom:** look at you and harry

 **Ron Weasley:** What's wrong with Harry

 **Neville Longbottom:** nothing

 **Ron Weasley:**...

 **Neville Longbottom:** :-)

 **Ron Weasley:** Look

 **Ron Weasley:** Parkinson literally tried to have Harry killed we can't invite her

 **Hermione Granger:** No, Neville's right. She won't try anything.

 **Ron Weasley:** WHAT

 **Hermione Granger:** If any of the Slytherins so much as lay a finger on Harry they'll be sent straight to Azkaban. Pansy's not a complete idiot.

 **Harry Potter:** I agree

 **Ron Weasley:** WAHST

 **Harry Potter:** Hermione's always right Ron

 **Ron Weasley:** Fuck you got me there

 **Ron Weasley:** Alright fine

 **Ron Weasley:** But I'm not interacting with her or any of the other Slytherins

 **Seamus Finnigan:** That's settled then

 **Seamus Finnigan:** We good for pre-drinks @ 4

 **Hermione Granger:** 4? Are you mad?

 **Ron Weasley:** If we're going to have to deal with the Slytherins for several hours we're going to have to be PROPER fucked

 **Hermione Granger:** Fine. Four it is.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK i know this chapter is very overdue n i have no excuse besides the fact that ive been sorely lacking in motivation for the past couple of months... but here it is!!!! belated chapter 6!!! also: warning for drug use and drinking - PLEASE proceed with caution :-)

**_Severus Snape_** to **_Potions Assignments_**

 **Severus Snape:** I do hope for your own sakes that you’ve all handed in your essays on time.

 **Severus Snape:** Ah. Potter, Weasley, I appear to be missing yours. Ten points from Gryffindor. Each.

 **Hermione Granger:** Boys! I told you to start your essays weeks ago!

 **Harry Potter:** Sorry sir we've been busy

 **Severus Snape:** Busy with what, exactly?

 **Severus Snape:** I'm waiting, Potter.

 **Harry Potter:** Yeah give me a minute   
  
  


**_Ron Weasley_** to **_I mean SODOMY_**

 **Ron Weasley:** WHTYTH EFUCK DID YOUS AY THAT

 **Ron Weasley:** WHATH THE FUCK AREBW E ESUPPOSED TO SAYBM NOW

 **Harry Potter:** Ron calm down

 **Ron Weasley:** Wait do you have an excuse then

 **Harry Potter:** I mean

 **Harry Potter:** No

 **Ron Weasley:** WHATBTHEFUVKC

 **Harry Potter:** If only we still had the threat of a murderous lunatic to excuse us 

**Ron Weasley:** As if Snape would let death get in the way of handing in our potions assignments on time

 **Harry Potter:** Shit u right

 **Hermione Granger:** You're both imbeciles.

 **Ron Weasley:** Please can you help us <3

 **Hermione Granger:** Well, since you asked so nicely...

 **Ron Weasley:** :-)

 **Hermione Granger:** No.   
  
  


**_Severus Snape_** to **_Potions Assignments_**

 **Severus Snape:** Potter?

 **Harry Potter:** Well

 **Severus Snape:** Another five points from Gryffindor.

 **Harry Potter:** WAHAT

 **Severus Snape:** For lying about not doing your assignment.

 **Ron Weasley:** You can take points off for lying?

 **Ron Weasley:** Blimey it's a small wonder the Slytherins have any left

 **Harry Potter:** Ron shut ur trap

 **Ron Weasley:** My what now  
  
  


 ** _Draco Malfoy_** to **_Pansy Parkinson_** and ** _Blaise Zabini_**

 **Draco Malfoy:** this is all thoroughly entertaining

 **Draco Malfoy:** potter really is a blithering idiot

 **Pansy Parkinson:** as if there were ever any doubts abt that fact  
  
  


 ** _Severus Snape_** to **_Potions Assigments_**

 **Severus Snape:** Finnigan, where's your assingment?

 **Severus Snape:** The chat has been blissfully devoid of your nonsensical drivel for the past hour, so I can only presume you haven't completed it.

 **Dean Thomas:** He's ill sir

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah he's really sick sir

 **Harry Potter:** Could be fatal sir

 **Severus Snape:** With what, exactly?

 **Dean Thomas:** Flu

 **Ron Weasley:** Chicken pox

 **Harry Potter:** Gangrene

 **Ron Weasley:** Harry what the fuck

 **Severus Snape:** What a shame. Another five points from Gryffindor.

 **Draco Malfoy:** you must be into the minuses now!

 **Harry Potter:** Fuck off

 **Pansy Parkinson:** wait a sec

 **Pansy Parkinson:** hes already started drinking hasnt he

 **Dean Thomas:** What no

 **Dean Thomas:** How could you possibly think so lowly of him

 **Pansy Parkinson:** thats a yes then

 **Severus Snape:** Drinking? On the school grounds?

 **Harry Potter:** Hypothetically sir

 **Harry Potter:** If he WAS drinking it wouldn't be illegal anymore

 **Harry Potter:** We're all eighteen after all

 **Severus Snape:** Anymore?

 **Dean Thomas:** But that isn't an issue because Seamus isn't getting pissed, he's ill.

 **Harry Potter:** Obviously

 **Severus Snape:** Right. If I come across ANY evidence of a party tonight you will all be in detention for the next month.

 **Draco Malfoy:** what? even me?

 **Severus Snape:** Have you got anything to say, Malfoy?

 **Draco Malfoy:** nothing, sir.

 **Severus Snape:** Good. Consider this your official warning.

 **Ron Weasley:** Bloody hell why don't you go ahead and ban fun while you're at it

 **Hermione Granger:** RON.

 **Ron Weasley:** Sir

 **Hermione Granger:** Yeah, that's not what I meant.  
  
  


 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** created a new chat

 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** added **_Hannah Abbot_** , **_Susan Bones_** , **_Terry Boot_** and 28 others to the chat

 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** named the chat **_PISS UP: the sequel_**

 **Harry Potter:** Could've just added them to the other chat but ok

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Can't I don't want Hermione seeing these messages

 **Ron Weasley:** I wouldn't count on that mate she keeps worming her way into the Sodomy chat

 **Hannah Abbot:** I'm sorry?

 **Neville Longbottom:** hey hannah!

 **Hannah Abbot:** Hi Neville :-)

 **Seamus Finnigan:** PULLINGG

 **Hannah Abbot:** What?

 **Dean Thomas:** It's best if you just ignore him

 **Dean Thomas:** We all do

 **Hannah Abbot:** Will do.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** And to think I was going 2 bring u presents

 **Ron Weasley:** Wait what

 **Seamus Finnigan:** I've got edibles ;) 

**Harry Potter:** Sick !!!

 **Ron Weasley:** You've got what now

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Weed ya silly prick

 **Ron Weasley:** Right no thanks

 **Ron Weasley:** Since when are you in the habit of getting high anyway Harry

 **Harry Potter:** Only way to get through a whole summer in the company of my delightful relatives 

**Ron Weasley:** You know what that's fair

 **Ron Weasley:** Still not interested though thanks

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Alright who's down 

**Harry Potter:** Please

 **Hannah Abbot:** Me !

 **Neville Longbottom:** wait what

 **Hannah Abbot:** Alcohol just makes me miserable lol

 **Neville Longbottom:** alright i'm down too

 **Terry Boot:** Yeah me 2 thx

 **Hermione Granger:** You're all totally irresponsible.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** What the fuck

 **Ron Weasley:** I did try to tell you mate

 **Hermione Granger:** Do you even know what marijuana does to your brain?

 **Harry Potter:** I'm sure you'll tell us anyway 

**Pansy Parkinson:** potter n the weasel only have 1 braincell between themselves wot difference would a bit of weed make

 **Hermione Granger:** You're still going to the party?

 **Susan Bones:** Wait what's she doing here??

 **Pansy Parkinson:** SHE has a name

 **Pansy Parkinson:** anyway im a valuable asset to ur sad little party youll all b stone cold sober without me

 **Neville Longbottom:** she has got a point

 **Ron Weasley:** Shut up Nev this is your fault

 **Pansy Parkinson:** one would almost think u didnt WANT me at ur party

 **Harry Potter:** Whatever gave you that impression?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** look ill bring the alcohol providing u do me a little favour in return

 **Hermione Granger:** Absolutely not.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Hermione we need this alcohol

 **Hermione Granger:** Since when did you all need alcohol to have a good time?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** were we talking about me? i think we were talking about me.

 **Hermione Granger:** Right.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i just need to invite a few friends

 **Harry Potter:** Not Malfoy.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** trust me, he REALLY needs to have a good time

 **Harry Potter:** Unless he's suddenly acquired an entire new personality in the last week.... no thanks

 **Hermione Granger:** Agreed. Malfoy's a prick.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Fuckin hell did u just swear Hermione

 **Hermione Granger:** I think there are far more important matters at hand.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** like ur mundane, alcohol-free party!

 **Ron Weasley:** We've got plenty of drinks already thanks

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Actually uh. We may b down half a bottle of firewhiskey

 **Harry Potter:** ....How are u alive

 **Dean Thomas:** He's Irish

 **Harry Potter:** Touché

 **Seamus Finnigan:** U can come providing ur plus 1 isn't Malfoy

 **Ron Weasley:** WHat

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Do u wanna get pissed or not mate

 **Pansy Parkinson:** deal :)))   
  


**Seamus Finnigan** to **_PISS UP: THE SEQUEL_**

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Guys her plus 1 is Malfoy

 **Ron Weasley:** For fucks sake

 **Pansy Parkinson:** technically a plus 2, i brought blaise as well

 **Ron Weasley:** You filthy treacherous liar

 **Pansy Parkinson:** you gullible idiot :)

 **Harry Potter:** Seamus I am in dire need of firewhiskey

 **Hermione Granger:** Re fucking tweet.

 **Ron Weasley:**.... Hermione are you okay   
  


**_Harry Potter_** to ** _I mean SODOMY_**

 **Harry Potter:** Giys Malfoy just spat flim in my face

 **Harry Potter:** Dlem

 **Harry Potter:** Flem

 **Harry Potter:** Flem

 **Harry Potter:** FLEM

 **Harry Potter:** Howrhe fuck do u spell it

 **Hermione Granger:** You mean phlegm?

 **Harry Potter:** YEFUCKING WHAT

 **Hermione Granger:** How are you pissed? It's barely past seven.

 **Harry Potter:** The fuck is a phlejgm

 **Harry Potter:** He just yelled inmy faeces

 **Harry Potter:** Should i pucnhwjim again

 **Ron Weasley:** PLEASE

 **Hermione Granger:** NO

 **Hermione Granger:** Ron, shut up.  
  


 ** _Draco Malfoy_** to **_Pansy Parkinson_**

 **Draco Malfoy:** alright i apologised

 **Draco Malfoy:** mcgonagall can get off my arse now

 **Pansy Parkinson:** wait what

 **Draco Malfoy:** what?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** you spitting in his face...... that was ur apology?

 **Draco Malfoy:** i didn't SPIT, i'm not an animal.

 **Draco Malfoy:** and if by some strange twist of fate i DID happen to spit in his face he'll be too pissed to remember it tomorrow anyway

 **Pansy Parkinson:**..... right

 **Pansy Parkinson:** soooo u wanna do shots

 **Draco Malfoy:** please

 **Draco Malfoy:** i can't stomach being in the same room as gryffindors while sober

 **Pansy Parkinson:** and i cant sit here watching ur mardy arse sulk in the corner of the room for a second longer  
  


 ** _Seamus Finnigan_** to **_Harry Potter_**

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Harry cum outside

 **Seamus Finnigan:** HARRY

 **Seamus Finnigan:** :-(((

 **Harry Potter:** CUM

 **Harry Potter:** Hahahahaha you cant say that

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Got u a present luv

 **Harry Potter:** Omg <33343

 **Harry Potter:** Alrifht im cumming   
  


**_Hermione Granger_** to **_PISS UP: THE SEQUEL_**

 **Hermione Granger:** Have any of you guys seen Harry?

 **Hermione Granger:** Hello?

 **Susan Bones:** Nsjwiikdjdjd

 **Hermione Granger:** Pardon?

 **Dean Thomas:** Harry's in the dungeons

 **Hermione Granger:** What? Why? How?

 **Dean Thomas:** Idk but he just tried to hump my leg

 **Hermione Granger:** Right. I'm on my way now.

 **Hermione Granger:** Has he still got his phone on him? I'll call him.

_Hermione: Harry? Are you there?_

_Harry: 'Mione? Where are you?_

_Hermione: Trying to find you, you imbecile. Have you taken something?_

_Harry: Jus' a little somethin' maybe..._

_Hermione: Christ. I told you!_

_Harry: Listen, 'Mione, I've jus' had a - a epi - a - oh fuck -_

_Hermione: An epiphany?_

_Harry: How'd you know?_

_Hermione: Just a wild guess._

_Harry: D'you_ really _know everything?_

_Hermione: Well, I -_

_Harry: ...Y'know I love you, Mione._

_Hermione: Right._

_Harry: So much._

_Hermione: Thanks, Harry._

_Harry: What - what - where'd you go?_

_Hermione: I'm still here._

_Harry:_ _You've_ _gone!_

_Hermione: I'm still here. Look, don't move. I'll find you._

_Harry: I love you s'much._

_Hermione: Yes. I love you too, Harry._

_Harry: Y-You're my bes' friend, yeah?_

_Hermione: Of course._

_Harry: So I can tell you all about my epi - epi -_

_Hermione: Epiphany._

_Harry: Yeah. Cos I jus' did somethin', an' -_

_Hermione: Look, you can tell me in a minute. Just stay where you are. I'll come and find you. You've had me worried sick._

_Harry: Alright._

_Hermione: Fucking idiot._

_Harry: What?_

_Hermione: Never mind._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok im so so sorry i havent uploaded in yonks i have literally no excuse besides college and coursework and applying to uni n shite.... buuut here's this at last!!! it feels a bit rubbishishy but hopefully it's alrightish overall!!! thank u every1 for putting up w the delays for so long :-)))))

**_Hermione Granger_** to **_Ronald Weasley_**

 **Hermione Granger:** Something is seriously wrong with Harry.

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah I figured

 **Hermione Granger:** I've been closely following his movements as of late. He left the dorms twice last night - nightmares, presumably.

 **Ron Weasley:** I thought we agreed to stop the gentle stalking, Mione

 **Hermione Granger:** He was very off on Saturday as well. I put it down to a hangover but his behaviour yesterday evening just clinches my suspicions.

 **Ron Weasley:** Are you even listening to me?

 **Hermione Granger:** He's been very volatile lately, don't you think? What with him punching Malfoy and all, especially after we agreed to ignore him this year.

 **Ron Weasley:** Snape looks delectable in those trousers doesn't he

 **Hermione Granger:** And then there was the totally incoherent phone call at the party. He still hasn't told me what happened.

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah and the fact that he was crying at the breakfast table

 **Hermione Granger:** Yes, and that.

 **Hermione Granger:** Wait, what?

 **Hermione Granger:** You think Snape looks WHAT?

 **Ron Weasley:** Missing the point

 **Hermione Granger:** Right. Yes.

 **Hermione Granger:** Why was he crying?

 **Ron Weasley:** Not a clue

 **Ron Weasley:** Look I'll have a word with him

 **Hermione Granger:** Oh, don't worry. I thought I'd do that myself.

 **Ron Weasley:** ...Yeah I don't think that's advisable

 **Hermione Granger:** What's that supposed to mean? I was just going to ask him what's wrong.

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah.... there's a fine line between asking and interrogating isn't there

 **Hermione Granger:** Excuse me?

 **Hermione Granger:** Ronald?

 _You have 3 missed calls from_ **_Hermione Granger_ **  
  
  
  


**_Ron Weasley_** to **_I mean SODOMY_**

 **Ron Weasley:** Where are you :-(

 **Ron Weasley:** You're missing the sprouts you love the sprouts

 **Ron Weasley:** HARRY

 **Harry Potter:** Please change that fucking chat name

 **Ron Weasley:** THANK MERLIN HELLO

 **Harry Potter:** The chat name???

 **Ron Weasley:** Fine :-(

 ** _Ron Weasley_** changed the chat name to **_Two heterosexual men_**

 **Harry Potter:** Funny you should say that

**[MESSAGE DELETED]**

**Ron Weasley:** What was that

 **Harry Potter:** What was what

 **Ron Weasley:** Your message disappeared before I could read it

 **Harry Potter:** What message? I didn't see any message

 **Harry Potter:** Did you see any message?

 **Ron Weasley:** YES I SAID I DID

 **Harry Potter:** I was asking Hermione

 **Harry Potter:** She's probably still lurking

 **Ron Weasley:** ...

 **Ron Weasley:** Nah we're safe

 **Ron Weasley:** Anyway stop avoiding my questions what's going on

 **Harry Potter:** Nothing's going on

 **Ron Weasley:** You were crying at breakfast mate

 **Harry Potter:** It's universally known that I'm mentally unstable why wouldn't I cry at breakfast

 **Ron Weasley:** True

 **Ron Weasley:** But you've been acting weirdly for days now

 **Harry Potter:** Alright I've got something to tell you

 **Harry Potter:** But you can't be a twat about it

 **Ron Weasley:** When am I ever?

 **Harry Potter:** ... Do you really want me to answer that

 **Ron Weasley:** Right you can continue the character assassination later just tell me what's wrong 

**Ron Weasley:**...

 **Ron Weasley:** Are you there

 **Ron Weasley:** HARRY

 **Harry Potter:** Hold ur horses

 **Ron Weasley:** What horses??? I don't own horses

 **Ron Weasley:** How could you hold a horse anyway they're fucking huge

 **Harry Potter:** Alright look

 **Harry Potter:** Seamus kissed me

 **Ron Weasley:** FUCKING HELL

 **Ron Weasley:** I FUCKING KNEW IT THE SLIMY BASTARD

 **Ron Weasley:** WHAT DID I TELL YOU

 **Harry Potter:** Yeah well the thing is

 **Harry Potter:** I kind of kissed back

 **Ron Weasley:** JSHDEHHEEHSHDH

 **Harry Potter:** Ron

 **Harry Potter:** Are you alright

 **Ron Weasley:** WHY

 **Harry Potter:** I was drunk :-(

 **Ron Weasley:**...

 **Ron Weasley:** Was there tongue involved

 **Harry Potter:** Idk I can't really remember

 **Harry Potter:** But quite possibly

 **Harry Potter:** Very possibly

 **Ron Weasley:** Harry mate

 **Ron Weasley:** You're not actually queer are you

 **Harry Potter:** The thought of u naked makes me want to lob myself off the tower so no

 **Ron Weasley:** You're so charming <3

 **Harry Potter:** Plus I'm attracted to Ginny so I can't be

 **Ron Weasley:** Steady on mate

 **Harry Potter:** The sex is fucking great as well

 **Ron Weasley:** YEAH THATS ENOUGH THANKS

 **Harry Potter:** Right sorry

 **Harry Potter:** Thing is I think I might be half and half

 **Ron Weasley:** Half and half what

 **Harry Potter:** You know

 **Harry Potter:** 50% attracted to men, 50% attracted to women

 **Harry Potter:** Though maybe more 30% men 70% women

 **Harry Potter:** Make that 25% men 75% women

 **Ron Weasley:** That's a thing???

 **Hermione Granger:** Yes. It's called bisexuality.

 **Ron Weasley:** Bloody hell Hermione

 **Ron Weasley:** Still gets me every time

 **Harry Potter:** I thought we were safe :-(

 **Hermione Granger:** I was going to politely refrain from replying, but you were being rather obtuse.

 **Hermione Granger:** Well, I for one accept you whoever you're attracted to, Harry. When do you plan on coming out?

 **Harry Potter:** Coming out what

 **Hermione Granger:** Coming out... as bisexual. It's a turn of phrase.

 **Harry Potter:** What??? As in telling people???

 **Harry Potter:** Never, preferably

 **Hermione Granger:** Well, that's your decision.

 **Harry Potter:** That's right

 ** _Hermione Granger_** is typing...

 **Harry Potter:** MY decision

 **Hermione Granger:** Right. Yes.

 **Hermione Granger:** At least I know what the epiphany was all about now. 

**Hermione Granger:** Ron? Are you still here?

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah I'm fine with it

 **Ron Weasley:** As long as you don't stare at my arse or anything

 **Harry Potter:** Your arse is nonexistent so no issue there

 **Hermione Granger:** You really don't mind? I thought the wizarding world was pretty anti-gay.

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah but one of my uncles had this bloke live in his house with him for a few months and I think they might've been shagging

 **Ron Weasley:** Auntie Joan wasn't too happy with the setup but I liked him

 **Harry Potter:** Well shit

 **Hermione Granger:** Thank you for that insight, Ronald.

 **Ron Weasley:** Either way I don't mind 

**Harry Potter:** I'm not going to start holding hands with blokes or wearing knickers don't worry

 **Ron Weasley:** Wait 

**Ron Weasley:** Does Seamus think you're dating now then

 **Harry Potter:** I mean. I'm dating ur sister so I hope not

 **Ron Weasley:** Shit have you told Gin

 **Harry Potter:** ... I'll get round to it

 **Hermione Granger:** Do it sooner rather than later. She deserves to know.

 **Harry Potter:** How long do I have before u tell her yourself

 **Hermione Granger:** Approximately twenty four hours.

 **Harry Potter:** A DAY

 **Hermione Granger:** 23 hours, 59 minutes.

 **Harry Potter:** Fucks sake   
  
  


**_Harry Potter_** to **_Ginny Weasley_**

 **Harry Potter:** Ginny... I've got something to tell you

 **Ginny Weasley:** oooh the ellipses are out

 **Ginny Weasley:** it must be serious

 **Harry Potter:** Look

 **Harry Potter:** Please don't break up with me

 **Ginny Weasley:** i really don't mind

 **Ginny Weasley:** i've told u you'll last longer next time

 **Harry Potter:** ... Yeah I didn't mean that

 **Ginny Weasley:** OH lmfao

 **Ginny Weasley:** sorry love x

 **Ginny Weasley:** what is it then

 **Harry Potter:** Seamus kissed me

 **Harry Potter:** Ginny?

 **Ginny Weasley:** yeah i know 

**Harry Potter:** Wait what

 **Ginny Weasley:** everyone knows u stupid sod

 **Ginny Weasley:** someone posted a video of u guys snogging on their ig story

 **Harry Potter:** WHAT

 **Ginny Weasley:** yeah it was hot as fuck

 **Harry Potter:** WAHTA

 **Ginny Weasley:** were u seriously worried abt that??? u sweetheart

 **Ginny Weasley:** it hardly matters if u snog a bloke lol

 **Ginny Weasley:** not like ur actually queer is it

 **Ginny Weasley:** harry?

 **Ginny Weasley:** o shit

 **Ginny Weasley:** am i ur beard

 **Harry Potter:** NO

 **Harry Potter:** Whatever that means

 **Harry Potter:** I love you, I promise

 **Ginny Weasley:** o so ur bisexual

 **Harry Potter:** How do you know about that?

 **Ginny Weasley:** how do u think lol

 **Harry Potter:** Hermione?

 **Ginny Weasley:** hermione.

 **Harry Potter:** Anyway I don't think I am

 **Harry Potter:** U know

 **Harry Potter:** Probably just a phase or something lol

 **Harry Potter:** I was very pissed

 **Ginny Weasley:** yeah... maybe

 **Harry Potter:** Anyway what was that abt a video

 ** _Ginny Weasley_** sent a video to the chat

 **Harry Potter:** Right

 **Harry Potter:** If you need me I'll be languishing at the bottom of the great lake   
  
  


**_Harry Potter_** to **_Two Heterosexual Men_**

 **Harry Potter:** Why didn't you tell me about the video ffs

 **Ron Weasley:** Because I knew it would upset you :-(

 **Ron Weasley:** Where are you??

 **Ron Weasley:** HARRY

 **Harry Potter:** I'm wallowing leave me alone

 **Ron Weasley:** The fuck

 **Harry Potter:** Never intrude on a wallower Ron

 **Ron Weasley:** Can't I wallow with you

 **Ron Weasley:** Actually can we do that now you're

 **Ron Weasley:** You know

 **Ron Weasley:** Never mind

 **Ron Weasley:** Harry?? 

**Ron Weasley:** I'll bring some treacle tarts up later

 **Ron Weasley:** Actually while I'm here

 **Ron Weasley** changed the chat name to **_A Heterosexual Man and a Nob Gobbler_**

 **Hermione Granger:** RON.

 **Ron Weasley:** Right sorry

 ** _Ron Weasley_** changed the chat name to **_A Heterosexual Man, a Nob Gobbler and a Nosy Git_**

**_Pansy Parkinson_** to **_Draco Malfoy_** and **_Blaise Zabini_**

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ive got THRILLING news

 **Draco Malfoy:** i'm beside myself with excitement.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** shut up u smarmy arse

 **Pansy Parkinson:** anywho this will put u in a gr8 mood

 **Draco Malfoy:** i doubt it

 **Pansy Parkinson:** get a load of this

 **Pansy Parkinson:** potter's queer

 **Pansy Parkinson:** and blaise now owes me 20 galleons so im chuffed

 **Blaise Zabini:** What the fuck

 **Blaise Zabini:** No he isn't

 ** _Pansy Parkinson_** sent a video to the chat

 **Blaise Zabini:** Is that Finnigan ew

 **Pansy Parkinson:** yeah no surprises there

 **Pansy Parkinson:** POTTER however

 **Blaise Zabini:** The boy who lived a pouf... what an interesting turn of events

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i expect my payment at dinner ;)

 **Pansy Parkinson:** and draco u have a chance after all xxxx

 **Draco Malfoy:** shut the fuck up

 **Draco Malfoy:** i literally have one of those calendars with half-naked witches in my room, i'm straight. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** people buy those unironically??

 **Draco Malfoy:** i said I'M STRAIGHT

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ok

 **Draco Malfoy:** don't say it like that!

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ok.

 **Draco Malfoy:** my father's arranging my engagement right at this moment. does that sound remotely queer to you?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** wtf ur 18

 **Draco Malfoy:** well, he needed to sort out my future at some point.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** he must be bored af in askaban

 **Pansy Parkinson:** fair enough tho, what is there 2 do with a 2 year sentence besides ruin ur sons future

 **Blaise Zabini:** Crack?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i mean i wouldn't b surprised

 **Draco Malfoy:** there are no junkies in the malfoy family, thanks very much.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** tell u what

 **Pansy Parkinson:** have u ever considered.... u know.... sorting out ur own life???

 **Draco Malfoy:** don't be ridiculous

 **Pansy Parkinson:** yh mad suggestion ur right 

**Pansy Parkinson:** back to potter!!

 **Draco Malfoy:** that video is grotesque. what else do you expect me to say?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** is that why u saved it then

 **Draco Malfoy:** what? no i didn't

 **Pansy Parkinson:** draco darling you really are useless w muggle technology

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i can see when you've saved a video you know

 **Draco Malfoy:** it was an accident, then. i didn't even realise i'd done it.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** right

 **Draco Malfoy:** i must've accidentally pressed a button or something. i can't get rid of it now.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** you just keep digging that hole 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good FUCKING evening i just dropped my phone in piss and it's still thriving 2021 is my fucking YEAR im calling it  
> heres a new chapter i had to bring in hagrid somehow because he is the love of my life and I feel he is SEVERELY underappreciated within the fandom n i will love him w all my heart till the day i fuckin die goodnight  
> ALSO ill bring back snape next chapter dw i miss his miserable emo ass

**_Ginny Weasley_** created a new chat

 ** _Ginny Weasley_** added **_Hermione Granger_** and **_Ron Weasley_** to the chat

 ** _Ginny Weasley_** named the chat **_INTERVENTION_**

 **Ron Weasley:** It's 3am go to sleep

 **Ginny Weasley:** tf are u doing awake then

 **Ron Weasley:** Reading

 **Ginny Weasley:** LMFAO

 **Ron Weasley:** Shut up I read

 **Ginny Weasley:** bullshit but ok

 **Hermione Granger:** Hello :-)

 **Ginny Weasley:** ur chipper hermione

 **Ginny Weasley:** aren't u losing valuable sleeping time for this

 **Hermione Granger:** I don't mind if it means helping friends in need!

 **Ginny Weasley:**...

 **Ginny Weasley:** ive caught u post-coition haven't i

 **Ron Weasley:** The fuck are you going on about this isn't a war

 **Hermione Granger:** That's coalition, Ron.

 **Ron Weasley:** Right

 **Ron Weasley:** What are u banging on about then

 **Ginny Weasley:** shagging u fuckwit

 **Ron Weasley:** Oh

 **Ron Weasley:** How'd you know :-(

 **Ginny Weasley:** hermione willingly staying up past eight o'clock to help friends in need? unheard of

 **Ginny Weasley:** hermione staying up past eight o'clock to have sex? also unheard of but i'm enjoying the plot twist you dirty dogs

 **Ron Weasley:** You did overdo it a bit with the enthusiasm Mione

 **Hermione Granger:** Well, I'll leave the excuses up to you next time since you're clearly the expert.

 **Ginny Weasley:** aaaand the fighting recommences

 **Ron Weasley:** Sod off

 **Ron Weasley:** Why'd you make the chat anyway

 **Ron Weasley:** Bc I'm going to bed if it's for some bollocks reason

 **Ginny Weasley:** RIGHT

 **Ginny Weasley:** so harrys part gay

 **Ginny Weasley:** thanks very much for telling me by the way

 **Ron Weasley:** Is that sarcasm

 **Ginny Weasley:** i mean... did u tell me

 **Ron Weasley:** No???

 **Ginny Weasley:** god ur thick

 **Hermione Granger:** The proper term is bisexual.

 **Ginny Weasley:** we're not art students u dont need to be pedantic

 **Ginny Weasley:** anyway obviously i dont mind

 **Ginny Weasley:** but it does feel a bit like the entire year group is laughing at me behind my back

 **Hermione Granger:** I'm sure that's not true.

 **Ginny Weasley:** pansy parkinson called me a fag hag earlier

 **Hermione Granger:** Since when do you listen to what Pansy Parkinson has to say?

 **Ginny Weasley:** believe me if i could erase all memory of slytherins from existence i would

 **Ginny Weasley:** anyway it's not just that

 **Ron Weasley:** You don't fancy Dean fucking Thomas again do you

 **Ginny Weasley:** what???? no????? where did that come from

 **Ginny Weasley:** anyway i thought u guys were friends

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah we are he's a great bloke

 **Ginny Weasley:** right

 **Ron Weasley:** But if he goes within a two metre radius of you I will castrate him

 **Ginny Weasley:**.... i'll bear that in mind

 **Ginny Weasley:** anyway AS i was saying

 **Ginny Weasley:** do you think harry might be fully gay

 **Ron Weasley:** Trust me he's not

 **Ron Weasley:** He talks about you all the fucking time

 **Ron Weasley:** It's pretty sickening

 **Ginny Weasley:** aw thats cute

 **Ginny Weasley:** but what if im holding him back or whatever

 **Ron Weasley:** Wait are you breaking up with him

 **Ron Weasley:** For snogging SEAMUS

 **Ron Weasley:** Why didn't you break up with him when he kissed me????

 **Ginny Weasley:** it was a piss poor excuse for a kiss ron

 **Ginny Weasley:** besides i seriously doubt u would be of any real threat to my relationship ur too boring

 **Ron Weasley:** WAHT

 **Ginny Weasley:** no not boring just...... straight

 **Ron Weasley:** WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

 **Ginny Weasley:** forget it

 **Ginny Weasley:** so u don't think im dating a closeted homosexual

 **Ron Weasley:** NO

 **Ron Weasley:** We've just come out of a fucking war I think he's got enough on his plate without you dumping him

 **Ginny Weasley:** unusually wise words ron thanks

 **Ginny Weasley:** im just worried that we're avoiding dealing w everything by just. continuing in exactly the same vein

 **Ginny Weasley:** and obviously i love him but he cries a LOT

 **Ginny Weasley:** he wants sex all the time as well

 **Ginny Weasley:** not that im complaining but idk if it's healthy

 **Ginny Weasley:** and u dont want to know the weird ass stuff he's asked me to do

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah you're right I don't

 **Ron Weasley:** I really really really don't

 **Ginny Weasley:** right sorry

 **Ginny Weasley:** i just feel like im babying him a bit sometimes

 **Hermione Granger:** Join the fucking club.

 **Ron Weasley:** WHATTHW FUCK

 **Ginny Weasley:** remind me to wake u up at 3am again im enjoying the ron slander <3

 **Ron Weasley:** IM NOT

 **Hermione Granger:** You're saying that as if the Ron slander doesn't continue into the day.

 **Hermione Granger:** I wouldn't worry, Ginny.Men tend to be emotionally stunted as a result of societal pressures. I doubt it's an issue attributed to Harry in particular.

 **Hermione Granger:** Mind you, he has had an AWFUL past year.

 **Hermione Granger:** Past two years, actually.

 **Ron Weasley:** Past eighteen years actually

 **Ginny Weasley:** okok ill try and speak to him

 **Ron Weasley:** Lol good luck

 **Ginny Weasley:** ur one to talk

 **Ron Weasley:** I'm completely in touch with my emotions thanks

 **Ron Weasley:** Did I not just virtually shout at you in a fit of anger

 **Ginny Weasley:** yh yh sure  
  
  


 ** _Pansy Parkinson_** to **_Draco Malfoy_**

 **Pansy Parkinson:** draco have you checked twitter omg 

**Draco Malfoy:** why would i have twitter?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** oh so Draco Lucius Malfoy with an abhorrent amount of emojis in their bio isn't you then

 **Draco Malfoy:** no.

 **Draco Malfoy:** must be an imposter.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ur fucking impossible

 **Pansy Parkinson:** alright well ur dads gone viral

 **Draco Malfoy:**..... what

 **Pansy Parkinson:** yh idk how the fuck he got hold of a phone but he made some pretty unsavoury tweets about blood supremacy and shit

 **Pansy Parkinson:** then someone pointed out the hypocrisy of using a muggle device to complain about muggles

 **Pansy Parkinson:** THEN he got suspended for hate speech

 **Pansy Parkinson:** someone made him into a meme as well lmfao

 **Draco Malfoy:** what the fuck is a meme

 **Pansy Parkinson:** .....nvm

 **Pansy Parkinson:** he rlly is adamant on dragging ur family name through the fucking dirt huh

 **Draco Malfoy:** i should just give up and go home at this point. clearly no one wants me at hogwarts and this will just make it even worse.

 **Draco Malfoy:** even the fucking first years hate me. 

**Draco Malfoy:** did you know potter just ignores me when i talk to him now? he really has no concept of social etiquette whatsoever.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** however will u cope

 **Pansy Parkinson:** look u don't need to be upset ill smack anyone who says anything to u

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i doubt they will anyway every1s still talking abt the weaselette's gay boyfriend

 **Draco Malfoy:** ha. true.

 **Draco Malfoy:** is he actually queer?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** idk how u judge homosexuality but in my books snogging another bloke is pretty fucking queer

 **Draco Malfoy:** you seriously don't think there's anything wrong with that? 

**Pansy Parkinson:** i mean if i had a cock i wouldn't be putting it anywhere near someone's arse but each to their own

 **Draco Malfoy:** okay.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** is this u finally coming out

 **Draco Malfoy:** no. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** FUCK   
  


**_Rubeus Hagrid_** added **_Harry Potter_** to the chat

 **Rubeus Hagrid:** HELL O HAIRY!!!!! :-D DINNER AT MINE 6PM BRING ROB AND HERMIONE IF YOU LIKE .HAGRID XXXXX

 **Harry Potter:** Sounds great. You might want to turn off the caps lock button though :-)

 **Rubeus Hagrid:** WOT DO YOU MEAN

 **Rubeus Hagrid:** OHAND HARRY I BELIEVE CONTRACEPTION IS IN ORDER

 **Harry Potter:** I'm sorry what

 **Rubeus Hagrid:** I MENT CONSERVATIVE

 **Harry Potter:** Nah I voted labour 

**Rubeus Hagrid:** CONGRATS!!!!!

 **Harry Potter:** Thanks !

 **Harry Potter:** For what exactly?

 **Rubeus Hagrid:** I HERE YOUR A. BUMMER NOW :-D

 **Harry Potter:** Fucking brilliant   
  
  


**_Harry Potter_** to **_A Heterosexual Man, a Nob Gobbler and a Nosy Git_**

 **Harry Potter:** Heads up guys: Hagrid's cooking tonight

 **Ron Weasley:** Oh shit

 **Harry Potter:** If ur planning on smuggling food from the dinner table can u bring extra treacle tarts

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah sure

 **Ron Weasley:** Aye you heard about Malfoy's Twitter

 **Harry Potter:** Ha yeah he keeps accidentally liking my tweets

 **Harry Potter:** Stupid twat

 **Ron Weasley:** No not the ferret

 **Ron Weasley:** His dad

 **Harry Potter:** NO WHAT

 **Harry Potter:** They have wifi in azkaban???

 **Ron Weasley:** No it must be eating into his mobile data

 **Harry Potter:** Tf is a death eater doing with a mobile phone anyway

 **Harry Potter:** Bit contrary isn't it

 **Hermione Granger:** Using it to tweet about pureblood supremacy, obviously.

 **Harry Potter:** What a cunt

 **Harry Potter:** You know I'm really beginning to regret speaking in their defence

 **Ron Weasley:** I mean I didn't say it at the time but I would be greatly comforted knowing Malfoy was rotting in Azkaban

 **Harry Potter:** Mate you did say that

 **Harry Potter:** Multiple times

 **Ron Weasley:** WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN THEN

 **Harry Potter:** I felt sorry for him his dad's a wanker :-(

 **Ron Weasley:** SO IS HE

 **Harry Potter:** Idk I think I just empathised with him a bit

 **Ron Weasley:** I'm insulted that you're suggesting you have ANYTHING in common with Malfoy

 **Ron Weasley:** I mean you're both into cock but that's it

 **Harry Potter:** ....What

 **Ron Weasley:** Did you know you were gay even then

 **Hermione Granger:** Bisexual, Ron.

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah yeah I get it

 **Harry Potter:** The fuck are u talking about

 **Harry Potter:** Malfoy isn't queer?????

 **Ron Weasley:** Mate he wears that green scarf

 **Ron Weasley:** Only gays wear scarves everyone knows that

 **Harry Potter:** I wear scarves :-(

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah exactly

 **Harry Potter:** Nah ur wrong

 **Hermione Granger:** You really are blissfully unobservant sometimes. I always thought Malfoy was gay.

 **Harry Potter:** SINCE WHEN YOU NEVER SAID

 **Ron Weasley:** Since he came into third year with fucking curtains

 **Harry Potter:** I thought that was just a boyband phase

 **Ron Weasley:** Doesn't the fact that he had a boyband phase suggest something to you

 **Harry Potter:** Yeah that he's every bit as hypocritical and tasteless as his father

 **Hermione Granger:** And that obsessing over all-male groups probably indicates that he's not completely straight.

 **Harry Potter:** To be fair you definitely don't listen to take that bc you like the music

 **Hermione Granger:** What's wrong with Take That?

 **Harry Potter:** What's RIGHT with take that

 **Ron Weasley:** Right can we save the arguments about muggle bands for later because I have no idea what you're talking about

 **Hermione Granger:** I'll introduce you to them later.

 **Harry Potter:** Please don't

 **Ron Weasley:** Anyway more importantly

 **Ron Weasley:** What the FUCK are you supposed to have in common with Malfoy

 **Harry Potter:** Idk his parents prejudiced wankers

 **Harry Potter:** So are my relatives

 **Hermione Granger:** You know I never thought of it like that. You must have both had very traumatic childhoods.

 **Harry Potter:** See I can be perceptive sometimes

 **Hermione Granger:** Yeah, emphasise on sometimes.

 **Harry Potter:** You can't be mean to me I had a traumatic childhood :-(

 **Hermione Granger** : Oh, he admits it now!

 **Hermione Granger:** Now how about that therapy?

 **Harry Potter:** Yeah you can sod right off with that idea

 **Harry Potter:** One session with the guidance counsellor was torture enough

 **Ron Weasley:** Fuck yea #notherapygang

 **Hermione Granger:** Yes, and you're both coping so well without it!

 **Ron Weasley:** I'm thriving mate

 **Hermione Granger:** Oh, so you've stopped having nightmares now?

 **Harry Potter:** Can't have nightmares if you don't sleep in the first place

 **Ron Weasley:** There's always a loophole somewhere Hermione

 **Hermione Granger:** Well, the offer still stands. My weekly sessions are doing me no end of good. 

**Ron Weasley:** I'm perfectly happy and mentally stable thanks


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi sorry i havent updated for a few weeks but ive been working on another fic that may or may not materialise at some point in the future depending on how long my motivation lasts ! if u cant tell im a VEEERRRY slow writer  
> ALSO i've (very wrongly) forgotten to say this earlier but thank u SOSOSO much for all of ur comments!!!! they're the main incentive for me to write more so fank u u lovelies u :'-)))

**_Minerva McGonagall_** to **_Harry Potter_**

 **Minerva McGonagall:** This message serves as a reminder to all students that Hogwarts has introduced a school nurse, who is available at all times should you be feeling anxious or upset. Sessions can also be arranged on a weekly basis and are free of charge. If you would like to drop in for a chat or organise something more permanent her number is available in all of your contacts. Stay safe and remember that strictly no alcohol is permitted on the school grounds, regardless of the festivities taking place in the upcoming weeks.

 **Minerva McGonagall:** Harry, this is an extra message. I would strongly advise you organise a meeting with the school nurse soon - even if it's only a one-off session. I have sent the same message to several of your peers. YOLO!

 **Harry Potter:** I don't think that means what you think it means professor

 **Minerva McGonagall:** I don't quite understand. Have you confirmed the session or not? LOL

 **Harry Potter:**.... Yeah sure   
  


**_Harry Potter_** to **_A Heterosexual Man, A Nob Gobbler and A Nosy Git_**

 ** _Harry Potter_** sent a screenshot to the chat

 **Harry Potter:** Hermione is this your doing

 **Hermione Granger:** No comment.

 **Harry Potter:** The YOLO business as well?

 **Hermione Granger:** Christ, no. I dread to think where she's picked that up.

 **Ron Weasley:** I can't believe McGonagall's more hip than me :-(

 **Hermione Granger:** Rather clever too. She's just annoyed you into agreeing to a therapy session.

 **Harry Potter:** Exactly I'm fucking raging

 **Hermione Granger:** Don't tell me. Tell your therapist.

 **Harry Potter:** Right sorry I'll remember to suppress my emotions from now on

 **Hermione Granger:** As if you haven't been doing that for the past eighteen years?

 **Ron Weasley:** Shit she's got you there

 **Harry Potter:** She's good  
  


 ** _Severus Snape_** to **_Potions Assignments_**

 **Severus Snape:** If we can all manage to retain some degree of composure for two minutes, this is a reminder that your assignments are due in on Friday. Any sent in late will not be marked.

 **Severus Snape:** Weasley, Finnigan. I'm looking at you.

 **Ron Weasley:** I sent mine in weeks ago sir did you not get it

 **Hermione Granger:** Ron, the assignment was only set a fortnight ago.

 **Ron Weasley:** Blimeywas it

 **Ron Weasley:** Lucky I got it done in time then

 **Ron Weasley:** A whole fortnight huh

 **Hermione Granger:** Fourteen days.

 **Ron Weasley:** Right

 **Ron Weasley:** Fuck

 **Severus Snape:** I explained at the beginning of the year that I will be setting you monthly assessments, Weasley. This is your third.

 **Severus Snape:** Shall I save valuable time and dish out the detention now?

 **Ron Weasley:** No no I'll get it done

 **Ron Weasley:** I've written out the title already it'll be a doddle from now on anyway

 **Severus Snape:** Quite.

 **Hermione Granger:** Why do I like you again?

 **Ron Weasley:** Because I'm charming :-)

 **Pansy Parkinson:** thats disgusting and blatantly untrue

 **Hermione Granger:** Sod off, Parkinson.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** it's a public chat i can say what i want

 **Pansy Parkinson:** and im asking u to keep ur sentimental shite between urselves

 **Severus Snape:** Here we go again.

 ** _Severus Snape_** left the chat

 **Pansy Parkinson:** holy fuck we inadvertently staged a coup

 **Pansy Parkinson:** bagsy me be the new leader

 **Hermione Granger:** As if.

 **Blaise Zabini:** Please stop being friendly it's really disconcerting

 **Ron Weasley:** Bloody hell that made me jump

 **Hermione Granger:** We're interacting via text, Ron.

 **Ron Weasley:** Yeah and I don't think I've ever heard him speak before

 **Ron Weasley:** Scary stuff

 **Hermione Granger:** More importantly, you consider abuse being nice?

 **Blaise Zabini:** Well, she's actually bothered to text you so I'd take it as a compliment

 **Ron Weasley:** You know what I'd rather she hadn't

 **Blaise Zabini:** Give her a chance she's desperate to be your friend

 **Pansy Parkinson:** uhh what gave you that impression

 **Blaise Zabini:** Groupchat? Beginning of the year? Your pledge to the Gryffindors?

 **Neville Longbottom:** ohhh that's embarrassing

 **Pansy Parkinson:** stfu longbottom

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i was younger then. more naive.

 **Blaise Zabini:** It was three months ago

 **Pansy Parkinson:** do u not know how time works darling

 **Ron Weasley:** You wanted to be FRIENDS with us?

 **Ron Weasley:** Strangeway of showing it

 **Pansy Parkinson:** well, i did think i might have a stab at being amiable

 **Pansy Parkinson:** but alas the friendly feelings weren't reciprocated

 **Hermione Granger:** Because you tried to have my best friend killed.

 **Ron Weasley:** ^

 **Pansy Parkinson:** but did i not make up for that when i saved ur party

 **Hermione Granger:** Funnily enough, no.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** speaking of parties

 **Pansy Parkinson:** it's christmas soon

 **Hermione Granger:** No.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** but the last one was such a roaring success :(

 **Ron Weasley:** Until you showed up with Malfoy

 **Pansy Parkinson:** did we do anything wrong?

 **Ron Weasley:** You were THERE

 **Hermione Granger:** Malfoy spat in Harry's face. I'd say that's decidedly wrong. And completely disgusting.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** that was an accident

 **Pansy Parkinson:** leave him be he's embarrassed enough as it is

 **Hermione Granger:** Did he apologise?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** fuckin hell dont expect too much at once

 **Hermione Granger:** I just expected a little more gratitude after we collectively saved your arses last year.

 **Blaise Zabini:** As far as I'm concerned the slytherins were left to fend for themselves, actually

 **Ron Weasley:** Bloody hell I wonder why

 **Pansy Parkinson:** right first off i didnt actually need saving 

**Pansy Parkinson:** i had an impeccably construed plan that was in full working motion till u blundering idiots decided u needed to save the day

 **Neville Longbottom:** so when you were all shrieking like fishwives because youd been locked in the dungeon.... that was all part of your impeccably construed plan ?

 **Neville Longbottom:** and when you blindly pledged allegiance to a homicidal megalomaniac .... that was deliberate too???

 **Blaise Zabini:** Merlin not Longbottom too

 ** _Pansy Parkinson_** is typing

 ** _Hermione Granger_** is typing

 ** _Ron Weasley_** is typing

 **Seamus Finnigan:** RIGHT everyone shut up the fuck up a minute

 **Seamus Finnigan:** I've got an important announcement

 **Neville Longbottom:** seamus we know you're gay

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Not that

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Tho if anyones interested.... ;)

 **Pansy Parkinson:** no one move on

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Slytherins not included

 **Ron Weasley:**....

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Ffs alright

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Hermione how much to get my essay done

 **Ron Weasley:** We're in the middle of an argument Seamus

 **Seamus Finnigan:** And I'm about to have a fucking breakdown

 **Hermione Granger:** I'm not writing your essay. That's cheating.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Well spotted

 **Seamus Finnigan:** How much

 **Hermione Granger:** ...Ten galleons.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Fuckin hell do u want me completely skint

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Anyone else nearly finished :(

 **Pansy Parkinson:** u can have mine at half price

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Wait rlly

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Are u any good at potions then

 **Pansy Parkinson:** nah i just copy malfoys

 **Seamus Finnigan:** It's a deal

 **Hermione Granger:** You just spent ten minutes arguing and now you're helping each other?

 **Seamus Finnigan:** I'm above ur petty arguments

 **Seamus Finnigan:** I just want Snape off my arse

 **Ron Weasley:** Hey can you do mine too :-)

 **Hermione Granger:** Ronald!

 **Ron Weasley:** I also want Snape off my arse

 **Pansy Parkinson:** nah u rejected my attempts at civility

 **Ron Weasley:** WHAT ATTEMPT WHEN

 **Pansy Parkinson:** were my intentions not made clear when i insulted u

 **Ron Weasley:** Not really no

 **Pansy Parkinson:** sounds like a u problem then

 **Pansy Parkinson:** not my fault ur unobservant

 **Ron Weasley:** :-(

 **Hermione Granger:** Fine. Library in five.

 **Ron Weasley:** :-D

 **Hermione Granger:** You're writing the essay yourself though. I'm helping Harry at the moment but I can give you some starting points.

 **Ron Weasley:** How come he gets special treatment tf

 **Harry Potter:** Fuck off I'm traumatised

 **Ron Weasley:** Understandable, have a nice day

**D** **raco Malfoy:** hold on. don't tell me you actually sent FINNIGAN my essay, pansy?

 **Draco Malfoy:** because i won't hesitate to tell snape if you have.

 **Neville Longbottom:** lol good luck he left the chat hours ago

 **Draco Malfoy:** remember when i charmed your legs together, longbottom?

 **Neville Longbottom:** remember when you got hexed by third years at breakfast yesterday malfoy

 ** _Draco Malfoy_** left the chat  
 **  
**

**_Draco Malfoy_ **to **_Pansy Parkinson_**

 **Draco Malfoy:** right. how many people have you sent my essay to?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** none whatsoever

 **Pansy Parkinson:** in fact i havent the faintest idea what ur talking abt

 **Draco Malfoy:** so why did snape tell me that he's just received several essays that are word for word copies of mine?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** fucking gryffindors

 **Pansy Parkinson:** cant even trust them to embellish an essay 

**Draco Malfoy:** how many people, pansy?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** idk

 **Pansy Parkinson:** abt forty galleons worth

 **Draco Malfoy:** i hate you.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** love u too

 **Pansy Parkinson:** also where tf are u we're waiting for u @ defence

 **Draco Malfoy:** i'm ill

 **Draco Malfoy:** and i think it might be contagious so it's best you don't visit me

 **Pansy Parkinson:** nothing to do with the twitter debacle then 

**Draco Malfoy:** no.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** and absolutely nothing to do w being hexed by third years

 **Draco Malfoy:** don't tell me you believed longbottom.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i dont need to someone posted the vid on snapchat

 **Draco Malfoy:** what?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** social media app. kinda like twitter

 **Draco Malfoy:** why is a video of me on there?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** haven't u noticed

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ur quite the hot topic at the moment

 **Draco Malfoy:** if by 'hot topic' you mean everyone hates me, yes. 

**Pansy Parkinson:** join the club <3

 **Pansy Parkinson:** anyway look

 ** _Pansy Parkinson_** sent a video

 **Draco Malfoy:** that's horrible!

 **Pansy Parkinson:** yeah u haven't even brushed ur hair

 **Pansy Parkinson:** honestly just a little bit of ptsd n ur self-preservation has been sent down the plan

 **Draco Malfoy:** i sincerely hope you're joking.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** you really should learn how to detect sarcasm through text

 **Pansy Parkinson:** oh and someone put one of those filters on u

 ** _Pansy Parkinson_** sent a photo

 **Draco Malfoy:** what's happened to my face???

 **Draco Malfoy:** i don't look like that!

 **Pansy Parkinson:** .... nvm

 **Draco Malfoy:** delete it at once!

 **Pansy Parkinson:** finnigan put it up you'll have 2 ask him

 **Draco Malfoy:** why is he sending you photographs of me? 

**Pansy Parkinson:** he isn't it's on his story

 **Draco Malfoy:** his what?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** i give up

 **Pansy Parkinson:** im leaving u to suffer alone

 **Draco Malfoy:** thank you. as i asked.

 **Draco Malfoy:** wait 

**Draco Malfoy:** pansy?

 **Draco Malfoy:** pansy????

 **Pansy Parkinson:** merlin's beard

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ill visit u later calm down

 **Draco Malfoy:** well, you can if you want. but i'm doing fine by myself.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** you're a pain in the arse u know that   
  
  


**_Dean Thomas_** to **_Pansy Parkinson_**

 **Dean Thomas:** How much for the essay

 **Pansy Parkinson:** merlin u too

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ten galleons

 **Dean Thomas:** Wtf

 **Pansy Parkinson:** ive upped the prices since receiving several threatening texts from draco

 **Dean Thomas:** Fine

 **Dean Thomas:** Have u got paypal

**_Luna Lovegood_** to **_Ginny Weasley_**

 **Luna Lovegood:** You're looking rather pensive, Ginny. Are you feeling alright? 

**Luna Lovegood:** Is it the pudding? It isn't as sweet as usual. I think they've changed house elves in the kitchens. 

**Ginny Weasley:** i'm fine thanks :)

 **Luna Lovegood:** Only you keep staring at Harry. Which I suppose makes sense as he is your boyfriend, but you're staring more than usual. 

**Ginny Weasley:** oh come on luna 

**Ginny Weasley:** you mustve seen the video

 **Luna Lovegood:** What video do you mean? I've seen quite a few. 

**Luna Lovegood:** Not the one with the inebriated owl?That's my favourite. 

**Ginny Weasley:** no???? 

**Ginny Weasley:** the one with seamus and harry 

**Ginny Weasley:** from the party

 **Ginny Weasley:** u know

 **Luna Lovegood:** Oh, that! 

**Luna Lovegood:** Wasn't it lovely? 

**Ginny Weasley:** not exactly the word i'd use no

 **Luna Lovegood:** I think it's wonderful that two men are comfortable enough in their sexuality to show friendly affection. 

**Ginny Weasley:**..... seamus is gay luna

 **Luna Lovegood:** Really? When did he tell you? 

**Ginny Weasley:** he didnt really need to 

**Ginny Weasley:** does kissing other blokes not strike you as a bit gay

 **Luna Lovegood:** Well, I certainly never came to that conclusion myself. 

**Luna Lovegood:** So Harry is gay as well? 

**Ginny Weasley:** that's the problem 

**Ginny Weasley:** he says he isnt 

**Ginny Weasley:** but i cant help but think he might be

 **Luna Lovegood:** Well, why don't you just ask him? 

**Ginny Weasley:** i could

 **Ginny Weasley:** but there's the possibility he might lie

 **Luna Lovegood:** Why would he do that?

 **Ginny Weasley:** never mind. 

**Ginny Weasley:** i'll ask him later. thanks luna :)

 **Luna Lovegood:** You're welcome!

 **Luna Lovegood:** Do you fancy meeting up after dinner? Neville wants to check up on his Hellebore. 

**Ginny Weasley:** go on then 

**_Harry Potter_** to **_Ginny Weasley_**

 **Harry Potter:** I thought we were meeting up :-(

 **Ginny Weasley:** sorry ! got held up 

**Ginny Weasley:** ill be a a minute

 **Harry Potter:** You still down then?

 **Ginny Weasley:** yeah about that 

**Ginny Weasley:** i might need a quick chat first

 **Harry Potter:** Oh, alright :-)

 **Harry Potter:** Nothing serious though?

 **Harry Potter:** Ginny?

**Author's Note:**

> alrighty this is my first venture into hp fanfiction and clearly i have no idea what im doing but hopefully SOMEONE finds this mildly entertaining


End file.
